Jokes to tell are a great way to break the ice and bring some laughter into any situation. From funny and good jokes to clean and short jokes, there's something for everyone. Whether you prefer corny and punny jokes or knock-knock and dad jokes, these one-liner jokes are sure to put a smile on your face. So, get ready to search for the best jokes to tell and add some humor to your day! So, what are you waiting for? Start searching for the perfect joke today!
Showing posts with label MAN JOKES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MAN JOKES. Show all posts
Funny And Hilarious Dirty Pickup Lines - Off Colour Pick Up Lines, Dirty Pickup Lines To Tell
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Funny And Hilarious Sweet Pickup Lines : Sweet Pickup Lines To Tell
If you want to pick up sweet young women, you need to use sweet pickup lines. This page brings you the sweetest pickup lines we could find. We've culled through all kinds of sweet and sappy doggerel and selected only the most sugary pickup lines on this page for your edification and amusement. Enjoy.
Hi! I’m __(name)__
You look like my favorite cousin!
Don’t leave yet! We haven’t had a chance to talk!
Would you go to church with me on Sunday?
I don’t run around, get drunk, or use drugs. Also, I have a good job and a nice home. People say I’m boring; maybe that’s why I’m alone.
You remind me of someone I knew in high school.
Did I tell you that my great-uncle was a personal friend of Billy Graham?
What do you think the apostle Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?
You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa.
Before tonight, I never believed in predestination.
That’s a nice Bible.
I Only Respond to Sweet Pickup LinesI know a church where we could go and talk.
How about a hug, sister?
Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy.
What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a Bible study?
You want to come over and watch "The Ten Commandments" tonight?
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?
You know, they say that you've never really dated until you date a Christian.
Excuse me, but I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
My friend told me to come and meet you; he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.
Don’t you attend ____________(name of church)______________?
Do you want to share my umbrella?
I’ll change that tire for you.
I’m a good cook, I like to clean the house, and I can’t tand the thought of spending a Sunday in front of the TV, watching sports. If you would like to come over some weekend, I’d love to cook for you. (Man to woman)
You are the answer to my prayers.
God must have been in a great mood the day he made you!
Sweetness is my weakness.
(In church) May I offer you a light for your candle?
I don’t have a pick-up line; I’m just me. I don’t come here all the time, but I thought you looked like a decent, pretty woman who might want to meet someone nice.
Best Funny And Hilarious Pickup Lines Online : MUST READ
If you're looking for the best pickup lines, the ones that are most likely to work, then this is the right site and you're here at the right time. Please use these lines at your own risk; we're not responsible for how many women you pick up using these. But remember this - the best women respond to the best "lines", not the "bad pickup lines".
To a person carrying a camera: “That’s a big lens!” or “That’s a fantastic camera!”
Oh, I love your dog! Can I pet him?
I just moved here. What’s fun to do?
May I have the last dance?
Is this seat taken?
Walk up to a woman at a restaurant or in a bar): May I join you? If she says yes, drop your BMW or Lexus keys on the table and smile.)
You’re making the other women in here look really bad!
Do you want to dance?
Can I buy you a drink?
Isn’t your email address: beautifullady@mydreams.com?
I Only Respond to the Best Pickup LinesDo you want to go home now?
I couldn't pay attention in school (work) today because I couldn't stop thinking about you.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi!
Hi, my name is (insert name here).
I know what a hamper, washer, and shower are. And I use them every day.
Aren’t you one of those Desperate Housewives?
Didn’t I see you on the red carpet? (after the Oscars or Emmys)
Do you know how to cook artichokes? (at the supermarket)
Does your kid go to _______(name of elementary school your kid goes to)________?
Do you like to salsa dance?
You look like a nice guy (or lady).
Wait for a good song and say, “Dance? Maybe this will be our song.”
(If you know the guy or gal has kids): I’m taking my kids to the beach on Saturday. Want to come with yours? (or the zoo, park, circus, movies)
Do you play poker?
You look like a fun gal (or guy).
Have you been to _________(name of popular club)__________________.
I’m looking for a long term relationship.
Weren’t you on Survivor?
Once upon a time, a great guy met a beautiful girl in a bar (or wherever you are). Hi.
(On Halloween): You look dead sexy. Uh, you look dead, sexy. Well, you know what I mean!
(At the dog park or on the street): Can I borrow your pooper scooper?
How’s it goin’?
Would you watch my coat for a minute? (Go to the restroom and return. Then, thank the other person and introduce yourself.)
(Approach a woman who is being hit on by a guy and obviously not liking it and say): Hey, Marcie just went to the restroom in tears. Would you check on her? (When she returns, after the other guy has left, start a conversation.)
And I thought we had pretty girls (or good looking men) where I come from!
To a person carrying a camera: “That’s a big lens!” or “That’s a fantastic camera!”
Oh, I love your dog! Can I pet him?
I just moved here. What’s fun to do?
May I have the last dance?
Is this seat taken?
Walk up to a woman at a restaurant or in a bar): May I join you? If she says yes, drop your BMW or Lexus keys on the table and smile.)
You’re making the other women in here look really bad!
Do you want to dance?
Can I buy you a drink?
Isn’t your email address: beautifullady@mydreams.com?
I Only Respond to the Best Pickup LinesDo you want to go home now?
I couldn't pay attention in school (work) today because I couldn't stop thinking about you.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi!
Hi, my name is (insert name here).
I know what a hamper, washer, and shower are. And I use them every day.
Aren’t you one of those Desperate Housewives?
Didn’t I see you on the red carpet? (after the Oscars or Emmys)
Do you know how to cook artichokes? (at the supermarket)
Does your kid go to _______(name of elementary school your kid goes to)________?
Do you like to salsa dance?
You look like a nice guy (or lady).
Wait for a good song and say, “Dance? Maybe this will be our song.”
(If you know the guy or gal has kids): I’m taking my kids to the beach on Saturday. Want to come with yours? (or the zoo, park, circus, movies)
Do you play poker?
You look like a fun gal (or guy).
Have you been to _________(name of popular club)__________________.
I’m looking for a long term relationship.
Weren’t you on Survivor?
Once upon a time, a great guy met a beautiful girl in a bar (or wherever you are). Hi.
(On Halloween): You look dead sexy. Uh, you look dead, sexy. Well, you know what I mean!
(At the dog park or on the street): Can I borrow your pooper scooper?
How’s it goin’?
Would you watch my coat for a minute? (Go to the restroom and return. Then, thank the other person and introduce yourself.)
(Approach a woman who is being hit on by a guy and obviously not liking it and say): Hey, Marcie just went to the restroom in tears. Would you check on her? (When she returns, after the other guy has left, start a conversation.)
And I thought we had pretty girls (or good looking men) where I come from!
Funny And Hilarious Corny Pickup Lines We've Heard
Want a laugh? Then check our some of these corny pickup lines. (Some of the corniest pickup lines worked with some of the coolest women, I seem to remember.)
*If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
*You’re so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
*Let’s have a drink; we’ll make beautiful music together.
*Are there any more like you at home?
*Do you come here often?
*I’m a raindrop, and I’m fallin’ for you!
*I must be lost. I thought Paradise was east of here.
*(Gray-haired person says): There’s snow on my roof, but fire in my furnace.
*People call me Isaac Hayes; can I give you the shaft?
*Do you like karaoke? We could make some beautiful music together.
*I’d like to give you CPR!
*Did you ever think we’d meet like this?
*(Singing) Did you ever see a dream walkin’?
*Hubba! Hubba! Hubba!
*Will you be my neighbor?
*Tonight’s the night, right?
*My wife doesn’t understand me.
*Baby, baby, I’m fallin’ in love, fallin’ in love again.
*Do you like to bake? (Yes.) I’d love to feel your hot-cross buns.
*Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
*You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
*I’m a math teacher. One plus two equals me and you.
*Don’t let me be the one that got away!
*I've been told I have the cool sexual prowess of a Romulan.
*Hey, baby! What’s happening!
*Your name is Susan? Can I call you Susie? (Yes) Great, what’s your number? (No) Then you call me!
*If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
*You’re so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
*Let’s have a drink; we’ll make beautiful music together.
*Are there any more like you at home?
*Do you come here often?
*I’m a raindrop, and I’m fallin’ for you!
*I must be lost. I thought Paradise was east of here.
*(Gray-haired person says): There’s snow on my roof, but fire in my furnace.
*People call me Isaac Hayes; can I give you the shaft?
*Do you like karaoke? We could make some beautiful music together.
*I’d like to give you CPR!
*Did you ever think we’d meet like this?
*(Singing) Did you ever see a dream walkin’?
*Hubba! Hubba! Hubba!
*Will you be my neighbor?
*Tonight’s the night, right?
*My wife doesn’t understand me.
*Baby, baby, I’m fallin’ in love, fallin’ in love again.
*Do you like to bake? (Yes.) I’d love to feel your hot-cross buns.
*Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
*You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
*I’m a math teacher. One plus two equals me and you.
*Don’t let me be the one that got away!
*I've been told I have the cool sexual prowess of a Romulan.
*Hey, baby! What’s happening!
*Your name is Susan? Can I call you Susie? (Yes) Great, what’s your number? (No) Then you call me!
Hilarious And Funny Pickup Lines To Make Her Laugh
Looking for new, funny pickup lines? You've come to the right place. Readers from all over the Internet submit their favorite pickup lines here, and we've categorized them into topics. The funny lines get their own page, and are in fact our most popular category. We think you'll like these - and you might even find some of them effective!
*I have a small winky, but a big bank account.
*I just got out of Leavenworth. Can I steal you a drink? How about a BMW?
*I have a dirty weekend planned. Do you know what I’m going to do? Three loads of laundry.
*I’m going to commit suicide on Saturday. What are you doing Friday?
*The area around this place isn’t too safe. Would you like to go on a drive by? You can have the first shot.
*I tend to be a pretty responsible person. I’ve got a wife and kids…somewhere.
*You’re beautiful. You remind me of Whitney Houston before she met Bobby Brown. You’re not on crack, too, are you?
*I’ve just been diagnosed schizophrenic. Can I buy me a drink?
*Do you know the best way to stop back pain and lose 20 pounds? Get a penis reduction; it worked for me!
*I believe in reincarnation; where have you been all my past lives
*Funny Pickup Lines Make Me Hot!Tomorrow, I’ll have enough money to buy you anything you want and take you wherever you want to go – all you need to do is drive the getaway car.
*Have you ever considered having an interracial relationship? I may be white from the waist up, but I’m black from the waist down.
*Women don’t understand me. They think I have more issues than Life magazine.
*Men don’t understand me. They think I carry around more baggage than The Orient Express.
*Would you believe me if I told you I have a house on the beach? No? How about an apartment with seven roommates in Santa Monica? That’s more realistic – and we have rent control.
*If I’m not home by ten, the voices in my head start yelling at me.
*Would you mind if I stalked you while you’re here? Think of it this way: You’re in a popular singles bar with your number-one fan.
*Don’t mind me; people think that I’m a clown. Just watch out for these large shoes and the big horn in my pocket.
*My favorite singer is Mick Jagger. He can’t get no satisfaction, and neither can I. Want to help me change that?
*Would you like to sit in on my psychology class? I need something for show and tell.
*I quit my job today. I was a Beverly Hills gigolo. With all the demanding clients, overtime, and hazard pay, I figured that twenty years and a few million dollars is enough!
*My website is like MySpace.com. It’s called MyPlace.com; want to see it?
*Did I tell you I’m filthy rich and my mother’s dead?
*Remember me from group therapy? You’re the nymphomaniac, and I’m the lonely guy.
*Hi! I make more money than Bill Gates.
*I haven’t seen my ex-wife for over ten years. Nobody else has either; I’ll never tell.
*Can I buy you a drink? I still have some money left from that bank job I pulled the other day.
*Hi, I’m rich, and my name is ________.
*What’s your name? (Response) Oh, I thought it was Campbell’s, ‘cause you are mmm...mmm good.
*Levi’s should pay you a royalty.
*I used to live life in the fast lane. Now that I’m past 60, my only thrill is getting Meals on Wheels.
*Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you’re hot!
*What do you do for a living? I’m a proctologist; the sign on my office door says ‘park in rear.’
*You must work in a library because you just increased my circulation!
*Madam, I’m Adam.
*I hope I haven’t given you the wrong impression. I’m actually taller and richer than I look.
*Do you work at Subway?
*(In a gay bar): I just saw George Michael in the men’s room. He was asking about you.
*Remember that Beatles’ song, “All You Need Is Love?” Love is great, but, at my age, I’ll settle for regular bowel movements and a good night of TV.
*Want to go halfsies on a baby?
*I’ve been looking for a guy with a pocket protector!
*(As people leave a bar, stand by the door and say): Last chance before the freeway!
*My name is ____________. How do you like me so far?
*I cried at the end of “Boogie Nights.” That poor guy! He really got shortchanged!
*Would you like a gin and platonic or a Scotch and sofa?
*I can’t lie to anyone. I’m so transparent Stevie Wonder can see through me.
*Inheriting 80 million bucks isn’t much when you’ve got a weak hear
*(Speaking with a southern accent): Actually, Ma'am, ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus and ah'm a sittin' on mah wallet.
*Would you like to see my boa constrictor?
*Hi, my friends call me Creepy. Were you a big fan of Jeffrey Dahmer too?
*This isn't a beer belly; it's a fuel tank for the love machine.
*"Urkuk lu Stalga." That's Klingon for "I love you baby."
*You ever been with a webmaster before? It's like nothing you've ever experienced.
*Once you make love to a man with Vulcan ears on, you never go back.
*You, me, here...this couldn't be better if I programmed the holodeck myself.
*You look just like Lois Lane in that skirt and I'm wearing my Superman underoos...it's either fate or the menacing hand of Lex Luthor at work.
*Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star Wars sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his light saber?
*Didn’t I see you in Girls Gone Wild?
*Where does this bus go anyway?
*People keep telling me that I’m overweight. Just because I buy my underwear in the extra-large equator size doesn’t mean I’m overweight – does it?
*I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
*Do you want to go for a ride on my bike? It’s a Schwinn, and I can pedal it really fast!
*People say I remind them of a cute teddy bear; I weigh 500 pounds, I’m really hairy, and I sleep all winter.
*If you come home with me, we can do whatever we want – as long as we don’t wake up my mom.
*I have a small winky, but a big bank account.
*I just got out of Leavenworth. Can I steal you a drink? How about a BMW?
*I have a dirty weekend planned. Do you know what I’m going to do? Three loads of laundry.
*I’m going to commit suicide on Saturday. What are you doing Friday?
*The area around this place isn’t too safe. Would you like to go on a drive by? You can have the first shot.
*I tend to be a pretty responsible person. I’ve got a wife and kids…somewhere.
*You’re beautiful. You remind me of Whitney Houston before she met Bobby Brown. You’re not on crack, too, are you?
*I’ve just been diagnosed schizophrenic. Can I buy me a drink?
*Do you know the best way to stop back pain and lose 20 pounds? Get a penis reduction; it worked for me!
*I believe in reincarnation; where have you been all my past lives
*Funny Pickup Lines Make Me Hot!Tomorrow, I’ll have enough money to buy you anything you want and take you wherever you want to go – all you need to do is drive the getaway car.
*Have you ever considered having an interracial relationship? I may be white from the waist up, but I’m black from the waist down.
*Women don’t understand me. They think I have more issues than Life magazine.
*Men don’t understand me. They think I carry around more baggage than The Orient Express.
*Would you believe me if I told you I have a house on the beach? No? How about an apartment with seven roommates in Santa Monica? That’s more realistic – and we have rent control.
*If I’m not home by ten, the voices in my head start yelling at me.
*Would you mind if I stalked you while you’re here? Think of it this way: You’re in a popular singles bar with your number-one fan.
*Don’t mind me; people think that I’m a clown. Just watch out for these large shoes and the big horn in my pocket.
*My favorite singer is Mick Jagger. He can’t get no satisfaction, and neither can I. Want to help me change that?
*Would you like to sit in on my psychology class? I need something for show and tell.
*I quit my job today. I was a Beverly Hills gigolo. With all the demanding clients, overtime, and hazard pay, I figured that twenty years and a few million dollars is enough!
*My website is like MySpace.com. It’s called MyPlace.com; want to see it?
*Did I tell you I’m filthy rich and my mother’s dead?
*Remember me from group therapy? You’re the nymphomaniac, and I’m the lonely guy.
*Hi! I make more money than Bill Gates.
*I haven’t seen my ex-wife for over ten years. Nobody else has either; I’ll never tell.
*Can I buy you a drink? I still have some money left from that bank job I pulled the other day.
*Hi, I’m rich, and my name is ________.
*What’s your name? (Response) Oh, I thought it was Campbell’s, ‘cause you are mmm...mmm good.
*Levi’s should pay you a royalty.
*I used to live life in the fast lane. Now that I’m past 60, my only thrill is getting Meals on Wheels.
*Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you’re hot!
*What do you do for a living? I’m a proctologist; the sign on my office door says ‘park in rear.’
*You must work in a library because you just increased my circulation!
*Madam, I’m Adam.
*I hope I haven’t given you the wrong impression. I’m actually taller and richer than I look.
*Do you work at Subway?
*(In a gay bar): I just saw George Michael in the men’s room. He was asking about you.
*Remember that Beatles’ song, “All You Need Is Love?” Love is great, but, at my age, I’ll settle for regular bowel movements and a good night of TV.
*Want to go halfsies on a baby?
*I’ve been looking for a guy with a pocket protector!
*(As people leave a bar, stand by the door and say): Last chance before the freeway!
*My name is ____________. How do you like me so far?
*I cried at the end of “Boogie Nights.” That poor guy! He really got shortchanged!
*Would you like a gin and platonic or a Scotch and sofa?
*I can’t lie to anyone. I’m so transparent Stevie Wonder can see through me.
*Inheriting 80 million bucks isn’t much when you’ve got a weak hear
*(Speaking with a southern accent): Actually, Ma'am, ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus and ah'm a sittin' on mah wallet.
*Would you like to see my boa constrictor?
*Hi, my friends call me Creepy. Were you a big fan of Jeffrey Dahmer too?
*This isn't a beer belly; it's a fuel tank for the love machine.
*"Urkuk lu Stalga." That's Klingon for "I love you baby."
*You ever been with a webmaster before? It's like nothing you've ever experienced.
*Once you make love to a man with Vulcan ears on, you never go back.
*You, me, here...this couldn't be better if I programmed the holodeck myself.
*You look just like Lois Lane in that skirt and I'm wearing my Superman underoos...it's either fate or the menacing hand of Lex Luthor at work.
*Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star Wars sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his light saber?
*Didn’t I see you in Girls Gone Wild?
*Where does this bus go anyway?
*People keep telling me that I’m overweight. Just because I buy my underwear in the extra-large equator size doesn’t mean I’m overweight – does it?
*I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
*Do you want to go for a ride on my bike? It’s a Schwinn, and I can pedal it really fast!
*People say I remind them of a cute teddy bear; I weigh 500 pounds, I’m really hairy, and I sleep all winter.
*If you come home with me, we can do whatever we want – as long as we don’t wake up my mom.
Thierry and a woman meet in a bar.
Thierry and a woman meet in a bar.
They discuss a little bit and then as it happens in life, they decide to go to the woman's house.
After a few drinks, Thierry removes his shirt and washes his hands.
Then he takes off the pants and again he washes his hands.
The woman who watched all this ritual told her:
"I bet you're a dentist."
He, very surprised, answers:
"Yes ... but how did you guess?"
"It's simple," she replies, "you're just washing your hands."
After a while, they start making love and when they have
finished, she says:
"You must be a damn good dentist."
He, radiating after such a compliment to his ego, answers:
"Of course I'm an excellent dentist, how did you know that?"
She, with an imperturbable face, "I did not feel anything!"
They discuss a little bit and then as it happens in life, they decide to go to the woman's house.
After a few drinks, Thierry removes his shirt and washes his hands.
Then he takes off the pants and again he washes his hands.
The woman who watched all this ritual told her:
"I bet you're a dentist."
He, very surprised, answers:
"Yes ... but how did you guess?"
"It's simple," she replies, "you're just washing your hands."
After a while, they start making love and when they have
finished, she says:
"You must be a damn good dentist."
He, radiating after such a compliment to his ego, answers:
"Of course I'm an excellent dentist, how did you know that?"
She, with an imperturbable face, "I did not feel anything!"
The man gets rich to be able to get married, while the woman gets
The man gets rich to be able to get married, while the woman gets married to be able to get rich.
Then the man divorces to save what he can, while the woman divorces to cash her investment.
Then the man divorces to save what he can, while the woman divorces to cash her investment.
10 reasons for a computer to be male:
10 reasons for a computer to be male:
1. They have a lot of information but they remain unanswered.
2. A better model is just around the corner.
3. They look very good until they are brought home.
4. Always have a backup.
5. They will do whatever you want if you press the right button.
6. The most interesting when you have one is the games you can play.
7. To have their attention, they must be turned on.
8. The lights are on but there is no one.
9. Current rises knock them out for the night.
10. Size matters.
1. They have a lot of information but they remain unanswered.
2. A better model is just around the corner.
3. They look very good until they are brought home.
4. Always have a backup.
5. They will do whatever you want if you press the right button.
6. The most interesting when you have one is the games you can play.
7. To have their attention, they must be turned on.
8. The lights are on but there is no one.
9. Current rises knock them out for the night.
10. Size matters.
Pierre: Tell me, if I sleep with your wife, are we friends?
Pierre: Tell me, if I sleep with your wife, are we friends?
Paul: No!
Pierre ! : Are we friends?
Paul: No!
Pierre: Are we enemies?
Paul: No!
Pierre: Who are we then?
Paul: We are "even"!
Paul: No!
Pierre ! : Are we friends?
Paul: No!
Pierre: Are we enemies?
Paul: No!
Pierre: Who are we then?
Paul: We are "even"!
Guy Jokes : Be careful, the jokes presented in this category are particularly addressed to an audience made exclusively of guys
Humor of Men
Be careful, the jokes presented in this category are particularly addressed to an audience made exclusively of guys. The humor of a guy often makes a bide with the girl, so do not bother to ridicule yourself.
Joke on stuffed guys, or naughty see well salacious. You will find here the kind of stories that make people laugh.
Honey, how many men did you sleep with?
The husband asks his wife:
- Honey, how many men have you ever slept with?
The woman replies proudly:
- Only with you honey ... with the others I was awake!
Be careful, the jokes presented in this category are particularly addressed to an audience made exclusively of guys. The humor of a guy often makes a bide with the girl, so do not bother to ridicule yourself.
Joke on stuffed guys, or naughty see well salacious. You will find here the kind of stories that make people laugh.
Honey, how many men did you sleep with?
The husband asks his wife:
- Honey, how many men have you ever slept with?
The woman replies proudly:
- Only with you honey ... with the others I was awake!
Here is an internal regulation to set up as soon as possible in your homes and to read to your companions.
For too long we men have been divided in the name of equality, feminism and a bundle of other theories. It's finish! We counterattack! Tell your friends and your women, the man of the 90s is dead ... Long live the man of the 2000s!
Your attention ladies, that's the way things are REALLY ...:
1. If you think you are fat, you are. Do not question yourself. Move your ass and go to the gym club.
2. Learn how to use the toilet seat: if it is raised, lower it, it's not complicated, and stop complaining.
3. Do not cut your hair. Never. It creates useless arguments when we dare to comment.
4. Birthdays, holidays and Valentine's Day are not quests to verify that we are able to find the perfect gift ... once again.
5. Sometimes we do not think of you. You have to know it and live with it.
6. Sunday = football / cycling / formula 1. It's like that.
7. Shopping is NOT a sport.
8. What you wear is great. Really!!!
9. Ask us what you want directly. The subtle undertones, it does not work.
10. Learn that peeing standing from the front is more difficult than pissing straight up. Even with care, we will miss the target from time to time.
11. Most guys have 2 or 3 pairs of shoes at most, so what makes you think we are able to choose the pair among the other 30 that will go well with this dress?
12. A migraine that lasts 17 months is an illness. See a doctor.
13. Your mother is not necessarily our best friend.
14. Check the water and oil from time to time. This is an essential part of car maintenance.
15. Our relationship will never be like the first two months we went out together.
16. All we could say more than 6 or 8 months ago is out of order in an argument today.
17. It's not the dress that makes you look big. It's all fucking chocolate !!!
18. To tell us that all supermodels are tampered with make you look like a jealous jealous, and that will certainly not prevent us from reading magazines.
19. The supermodels with dream bodies that we see in magazines are all homosexuals.
20. If what one says can be interpreted in two ways, and one of them makes you sad or angry, you have misinterpreted.
21. Let us watch. If we do not do it, how can you be told that you are so much better than others?
22. If possible, thank you for telling us what you have to tell us during the pubs and not at half-time because that's where we go to piss, to get beer for the second half of the day. time or listen to the analysis of "experts".
23. When we are in bed and look tired, we are tired and that does not mean we do not want to talk about our relationship.
24. If you want a dessert after the dish, take one. You are NOT OBLIGED to finish it. You can taste it if you want but do not say "No, I can not / do not / should not" and then eat half of ours.
25. A diet without exercise, it does not work.
26. If you go on a diet it does not have to mean that we have to do the same.
27. The four essential human foods are white meat, red meat, coffee and cold beer.
28. Make sure that all meals contain a reasonable amount of the above - everything else falls into the category of "fadasse".
29. Do not question our sense of direction.
30. If you can learn all of this, the man and the woman can coexist in a context of love and mutual respect. The ball is in your camp.
Sincerely, The Z 'Men
Your attention ladies, that's the way things are REALLY ...:
1. If you think you are fat, you are. Do not question yourself. Move your ass and go to the gym club.
2. Learn how to use the toilet seat: if it is raised, lower it, it's not complicated, and stop complaining.
3. Do not cut your hair. Never. It creates useless arguments when we dare to comment.
4. Birthdays, holidays and Valentine's Day are not quests to verify that we are able to find the perfect gift ... once again.
5. Sometimes we do not think of you. You have to know it and live with it.
6. Sunday = football / cycling / formula 1. It's like that.
7. Shopping is NOT a sport.
8. What you wear is great. Really!!!
9. Ask us what you want directly. The subtle undertones, it does not work.
10. Learn that peeing standing from the front is more difficult than pissing straight up. Even with care, we will miss the target from time to time.
11. Most guys have 2 or 3 pairs of shoes at most, so what makes you think we are able to choose the pair among the other 30 that will go well with this dress?
12. A migraine that lasts 17 months is an illness. See a doctor.
13. Your mother is not necessarily our best friend.
14. Check the water and oil from time to time. This is an essential part of car maintenance.
15. Our relationship will never be like the first two months we went out together.
16. All we could say more than 6 or 8 months ago is out of order in an argument today.
17. It's not the dress that makes you look big. It's all fucking chocolate !!!
18. To tell us that all supermodels are tampered with make you look like a jealous jealous, and that will certainly not prevent us from reading magazines.
19. The supermodels with dream bodies that we see in magazines are all homosexuals.
20. If what one says can be interpreted in two ways, and one of them makes you sad or angry, you have misinterpreted.
21. Let us watch. If we do not do it, how can you be told that you are so much better than others?
22. If possible, thank you for telling us what you have to tell us during the pubs and not at half-time because that's where we go to piss, to get beer for the second half of the day. time or listen to the analysis of "experts".
23. When we are in bed and look tired, we are tired and that does not mean we do not want to talk about our relationship.
24. If you want a dessert after the dish, take one. You are NOT OBLIGED to finish it. You can taste it if you want but do not say "No, I can not / do not / should not" and then eat half of ours.
25. A diet without exercise, it does not work.
26. If you go on a diet it does not have to mean that we have to do the same.
27. The four essential human foods are white meat, red meat, coffee and cold beer.
28. Make sure that all meals contain a reasonable amount of the above - everything else falls into the category of "fadasse".
29. Do not question our sense of direction.
30. If you can learn all of this, the man and the woman can coexist in a context of love and mutual respect. The ball is in your camp.
Sincerely, The Z 'Men
A neuron accidentally lands in a male brain.
The brain of a man
A neuron accidentally lands in a male brain.
Everything is black, without presence ...
"Huh, hoo! Said the neuron.
No answer, only echoes ...
"Huh, hoo! Hou, hou! The neuron repeats.
Suddenly, another neuron arrives and says to him:
"But what are you doing here, all alone ?! We are all down, in the balls! "
A neuron accidentally lands in a male brain.
Everything is black, without presence ...
"Huh, hoo! Said the neuron.
No answer, only echoes ...
"Huh, hoo! Hou, hou! The neuron repeats.
Suddenly, another neuron arrives and says to him:
"But what are you doing here, all alone ?! We are all down, in the balls! "
Jokes about men, Funny jokes about men
Why do men have arched legs?
Unimportant things are always bracketed
Men are proof that reincarnation exists.
You can not become so stupid in one life time.
What should a woman do when her husband runs zigzag in the garden?
Continue to shoot.
The ideal measurements of a man?
80 - 20 - 42 (80 years old, 20 million euros on the bank account and 42 degrees of fever)
What is the common point between men who frequent bars for singles?
They are all married.
What is the difference between a man and a cat?
None, both are very afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
What is the difference between a man and a cup of coffee?
There are none: the two are on the nerves.
Why do the majority of women drive badly?
Because the majority of instructors are men ...
Dusty Underwear ; One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny,
Dusty Underwear
> > One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny,
> > said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your
clothes in slim Fast.
> > Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!'
> > His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply
couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
> > The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of
> > his drawer.
'What the heck is this??' he said to himself as a
> > little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
> > 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you
> > put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. It's not talcum powder....
It's 'Miracle Grow'.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
§ You have two choices in life: You can stay
single and be miserable, or
>
>get married
and wish you were dead.
>
>§ At a cocktail party, one woman said to
another, "Aren't you wearing
>
>your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong
man."
>
>§ A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
>
>Next day
she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."
>
>
>§ When a woman steals your husband, there is
no better revenge than to let her keep him.
>
>
>§ A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished .
>
>§ A little boy asked his father, "Daddy,
how much does it cost to get
>
>married?"
>
>Father
replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
>
>§ A young son asked, "Is it true Dad,
that in some parts of Africa a man
>
>doesn't
know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in
>
>every
country, son."
>
>
>§ Then there was a woman who said, "I
never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too
late."
>
>
>§ Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
>
>
>§ If you want your spouse to listen and pay
strict attention to every
>
>word you
say -- talk in your sleep.
>
>§ Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men
would go through life
>
>thinking
they had no faults at all.
>
>
>§ First guy says, "My wife's an
angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're
>
>lucky,
mine's still alive."
>
>§ " A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray
for wisdom, to understand a
>
>man, to
love and to forgive him, and for patience for his moods, because
>
>Lord, if I
pray for strength I'll just beat him to
death "
>
>AND NOW FOR
THE FAVOURITE
>
>Husband and
wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A
>
>blind man
joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find
>
>it
overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
>
>bus. So the
husband and the blind man decide to walk.
>
>After a
while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the
>
>blind man
as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him, "Why don't you put
>
>a piece of
rubber at the
>
>end of your
stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
>
>The blind
man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
>
>stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell
up."
A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
approached his assistant "George'', I am going hunting tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care
of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers George.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,George,
How was your day?"
George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says
George.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her
bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and
shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Geore, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
approached his assistant "George'', I am going hunting tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care
of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers George.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,George,
How was your day?"
George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says
George.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her
bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and
shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Geore, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
No Sex Since 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"I hope not, it's only 1956 now."
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
CREATION
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
The
Silent Treatment
A
man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other
the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would
need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not
wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of
paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ”. He left it where he knew she would
find it.
The
next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't
wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The
paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up."
Men
are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
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