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| Hold My Calls Humor,,, |
Showing posts with label OLD PERSON JOKE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label OLD PERSON JOKE. Show all posts
A grandparent couple receives their grandchildren for the weekend
A grandparent couple receives their grandchildren for the weekend. In the evening before going to bed, the grandmother goes to Isabelle's room, her 19-year-old daughter, to say goodnight to her. To his amazement, she is naked.
"My darling, what is this outfit?" She asks.
- Finally grandmother, this is the nightgown of the year 2000! Isabelle answers.
A little disoriented, the grandmother then goes to Eric's room, 17, and finds him naked as well.
- But Eric, what are you doing naked?
- Ben grandmother, this is the pajamas of the year 2000! Eric answers him.
Deciding then to do the same to surprise her husband, the grandmother undresses completely and returns to her room. In front of her astonished, she explains to him
- You see Marcel: this is the nightgown of the year 2000!
- Marcel: You could have ironed before putting it on!
"My darling, what is this outfit?" She asks.
- Finally grandmother, this is the nightgown of the year 2000! Isabelle answers.
A little disoriented, the grandmother then goes to Eric's room, 17, and finds him naked as well.
- But Eric, what are you doing naked?
- Ben grandmother, this is the pajamas of the year 2000! Eric answers him.
Deciding then to do the same to surprise her husband, the grandmother undresses completely and returns to her room. In front of her astonished, she explains to him
- You see Marcel: this is the nightgown of the year 2000!
- Marcel: You could have ironed before putting it on!
Little Old Lady in court......
Little Old Lady in court......
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the
night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch andsat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died
some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I
haven't
felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just
laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU' RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
Calling
the Cops!
or
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU' RE OLD
AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian,
Mississippi was going up to
bed when his wife told him that
he'd left the light on in
the garden shed.
George opened the back door to go
turn off the light but
saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked
"Is someone in your
house?" and he said
"no, in my shed." Then they
said
that all patrols were busy, and
that he should simply
lock his door and an officer
would be along when
available.
George said, "Okay,"
hung up, counted to 30, and phoned
the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a
few seconds ago because there
were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry
about them now cause I'vejust
shot them all."
Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police
cars, an Armed Response
unit, and an ambulance showed up
at the Phillips'
residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to
George:
"I thought you said that
you'd shot them all !"
George said,
"I thought you said there
was nobody
available!"
Don't mess with Seniors,
you'll
loose everytime!
The best jokes about old and old, old age joke, humour and retirement
The best jokes about old and old, old age joke, humour and retirement
-Why did God create the brunettes?
So that ugly men do not feel helpless.
-50 years of marriage
We recently interviewed a couple on TV who was celebrating 50 years of marriage.
After the usual questions, the husband was asked if in those fifty years of union he had sometimes thought of divorce.
He answered very loudly:
- No.
But he quickly added:
- Divorce, never, but murder, many times ...
-Jokes and black humor
She is a little old woman still very much in love with her husband.
Unfortunately, grandpa can no longer satisfy (because papi is not hard enough ...). So she decides to consult the doctor in case he could do something for grandpa.
Having been explained the situation, the doctor thinks a little and answers to grandma:
- Listen, I think I can do something for you, but beware, it's a drug without A.M.M. and you will use it without warranty. As it turns out powerful enough to use, you will just pour him 3 drops in his soup before going to sleep.
Grandma is happy to finally have enough to put grandfather in the saddle; she thanks the doctor and goes home.
Two weeks later, the doctor sees the granny and asks how the treatment worked.
Grandma starts to blush, smiles and says:
- Oh Doctor, I blame myself: I put 30 drops instead of 3 in his soup ... Now I need an antidote so we can close the coffin!
-Why did God create the brunettes?
So that ugly men do not feel helpless.
-50 years of marriage
We recently interviewed a couple on TV who was celebrating 50 years of marriage.
After the usual questions, the husband was asked if in those fifty years of union he had sometimes thought of divorce.
He answered very loudly:
- No.
But he quickly added:
- Divorce, never, but murder, many times ...
-Jokes and black humor
She is a little old woman still very much in love with her husband.
Unfortunately, grandpa can no longer satisfy (because papi is not hard enough ...). So she decides to consult the doctor in case he could do something for grandpa.
Having been explained the situation, the doctor thinks a little and answers to grandma:
- Listen, I think I can do something for you, but beware, it's a drug without A.M.M. and you will use it without warranty. As it turns out powerful enough to use, you will just pour him 3 drops in his soup before going to sleep.
Grandma is happy to finally have enough to put grandfather in the saddle; she thanks the doctor and goes home.
Two weeks later, the doctor sees the granny and asks how the treatment worked.
Grandma starts to blush, smiles and says:
- Oh Doctor, I blame myself: I put 30 drops instead of 3 in his soup ... Now I need an antidote so we can close the coffin!
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a
>smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
>condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
>smoking.
>
>What in the hell is that askes the other old lady?
>
>A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet she replied
>
>Where did you get it?
>
>You can get them at any drugstore.
>
>The next day the old lady hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
>announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
>
>The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
> (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
>brand of condom she prefers.
>
>"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
An elderly gentleman is hospitalized for routine examinations. He was removed his dentures.
An elderly gentleman is hospitalized for routine examinations. He was removed his dentures.
A nurse passes by to see if all is well and sees on his nightstand a dish of "peanuts".
He asks the gentleman if he can afford to take some of them. The old gentleman responds with difficulty, since he has no teeth:
- Go ahead, my boy, serve yourself.
And the nurse takes a small handful.
The next day, the same nurse asks the old gentleman if he can recover peanuts again. The old gentleman answers him:
- Do not interfere with my young, take as much as you want.
And the same situation continues for a few days.
The last day, there are only a few peanuts in the bottom of the dish. The nurse hesitates and says to the old gentleman:
- Are you sure I can take them? I do not want to take everything you have left.
The old gentleman answers him, still without dentures:
- Go ahead, my boy, take what's left.
The nurse takes the last handful of peanuts and while he still has his mouth full, he says to the old gentleman:
- Ha! they were very good peanuts. Thank you a lot.
And the old gentleman to answer him without his teeth:
- It made me happy, but they were really better when wrapped in chocolate.
A nurse passes by to see if all is well and sees on his nightstand a dish of "peanuts".
He asks the gentleman if he can afford to take some of them. The old gentleman responds with difficulty, since he has no teeth:
- Go ahead, my boy, serve yourself.
And the nurse takes a small handful.
The next day, the same nurse asks the old gentleman if he can recover peanuts again. The old gentleman answers him:
- Do not interfere with my young, take as much as you want.
And the same situation continues for a few days.
The last day, there are only a few peanuts in the bottom of the dish. The nurse hesitates and says to the old gentleman:
- Are you sure I can take them? I do not want to take everything you have left.
The old gentleman answers him, still without dentures:
- Go ahead, my boy, take what's left.
The nurse takes the last handful of peanuts and while he still has his mouth full, he says to the old gentleman:
- Ha! they were very good peanuts. Thank you a lot.
And the old gentleman to answer him without his teeth:
- It made me happy, but they were really better when wrapped in chocolate.
This is the story of an old man who, because his son can not handle it permanently, is forced to go to a retirement home.
This is the story of an old man who, because his son can not handle it permanently, is forced to go to a retirement home.
- Do not leave me here to die slowly! said the old man to his son.
-Papa, we talked about it and talked again: You have to go to this house. I'll visit you twice a week, and you'll always be able to pick up the phone to call me.
Then the son leaves and leaves his father in his room. Of course, the first night, dad calls his son on the phone:
- You have to come get me. It's terrible; I have not seen a single nurse, the food is horrible, and I feel so lonely!
- Listen dad, it's been just two hours since I left you there! How can you get an idea of a place in such a short time? Still a few days, and really, if it's not right, we'll find another solution.
Then the old man hangs up, and finally manages to get some sleep. The next morning, a nurse comes to wake him up, puts him in his bath and makes him his toilet. To the great surprise of the old man, these caresses of the nurse give him an erection. Better yet, the nurse seeing the effect it produces on the old man encourages him by giving him a blowjob! As soon as the nurse is gone, the old man picks up his phone and says to his son:
- Son, this house is great! We eat well, I made friends, and I could not fall in a better place!
- Ah, that's good news dad, I was hoping you'd find this place nice.
Later in the afternoon, the old man is in the room where everyone watches TV, when he stumbles, falls, and loses consciousness. At this moment, another resident pops up, lowers the old man's pants and sodomizes him in a hurry. When our old man regains his senses, he pulls up his pants, goes back to his room and immediately calls his son:
"Son, come and get me, I beg you! Come immediately!
"But dad, only a few hours ago you told me the greatest good of this house, and now I have to come and get you right now?!?
- Son, you do not understand: I have an erection, maybe once a year, but I fall on the floor at least two or three times a day!
- Do not leave me here to die slowly! said the old man to his son.
-Papa, we talked about it and talked again: You have to go to this house. I'll visit you twice a week, and you'll always be able to pick up the phone to call me.
Then the son leaves and leaves his father in his room. Of course, the first night, dad calls his son on the phone:
- You have to come get me. It's terrible; I have not seen a single nurse, the food is horrible, and I feel so lonely!
- Listen dad, it's been just two hours since I left you there! How can you get an idea of a place in such a short time? Still a few days, and really, if it's not right, we'll find another solution.
Then the old man hangs up, and finally manages to get some sleep. The next morning, a nurse comes to wake him up, puts him in his bath and makes him his toilet. To the great surprise of the old man, these caresses of the nurse give him an erection. Better yet, the nurse seeing the effect it produces on the old man encourages him by giving him a blowjob! As soon as the nurse is gone, the old man picks up his phone and says to his son:
- Son, this house is great! We eat well, I made friends, and I could not fall in a better place!
- Ah, that's good news dad, I was hoping you'd find this place nice.
Later in the afternoon, the old man is in the room where everyone watches TV, when he stumbles, falls, and loses consciousness. At this moment, another resident pops up, lowers the old man's pants and sodomizes him in a hurry. When our old man regains his senses, he pulls up his pants, goes back to his room and immediately calls his son:
"Son, come and get me, I beg you! Come immediately!
"But dad, only a few hours ago you told me the greatest good of this house, and now I have to come and get you right now?!?
- Son, you do not understand: I have an erection, maybe once a year, but I fall on the floor at least two or three times a day!
Funny Jokes : Subject: Fw: We're all getting older
Subject: Fw: We're all getting older.
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave
him the jar, which was as clean
and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the
man
explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then
her left, still nothing. She tried with
her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady
next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she
even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't
get
the jar open!"
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave
him the jar, which was as clean
and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the
man
explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then
her left, still nothing. She tried with
her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing. We even called up Earleen, the lady
next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she
even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't
get
the jar open!"
Funny Old Persons Joke : An elderly couple was driving cross-country
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.
>She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am, did
>you know you were speeding?"
>
>The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
>
>The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
>
>The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
>
>The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
>
>The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
>
>The woman gives him her license.
>
>The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there
>once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
>
>The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"
>
>"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
>She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am, did
>you know you were speeding?"
>
>The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
>
>The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."
>
>The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
>
>The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
>
>The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."
>
>The woman gives him her license.
>
>The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there
>once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."
>
>The woman turns to her husband and asks," What did he say?"
>
>"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.
Hilarious Jokes To Tell - A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa
A
wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,
taking
with her faithful aged poodle named
Cuddles, along for the company.
One
day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long,
Cuddles
discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a
leopard
heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having
lunch.
The
old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to
leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing
this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike,
a
look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That
old poodle nearly had
me!"
Meanwhile,
a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to
good use and trade it
for protection from the leopard.
So
off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be
up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the leopard.
The
young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that
conniving
canine!"
Now,
the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on
his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of
running,
the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she
hasn't
seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the
old
poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!"
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