 |
| My Doctor told me #Doctorjoke |
Showing posts with label DOCTOR JOKES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DOCTOR JOKES. Show all posts
He’s actually seeing the doctor because he has a embarrassing leakage problem
 |
| He’s actually seeing the doctor because he has a embarrassing leakage problem |
Difference between Rectal and Oral Thermometers
 |
| Difference between Rectal and Oral Thermometers |
'BRING ON THE TATTOOS!" *nearly faints getting a shot* lol
 |
| 'BRING ON THE TATTOOS!" *nearly faints getting a shot* lol |
Childbirth
After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I
was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.
It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally
announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."
"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.
The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by
the ears."
Commuting Hazards
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern
city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels,
bridges and traffic jams. To make the task less onerous, he invited several of
his coworkers to share the ride. He soon found, however, that the commute
continued to get more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He
consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained,
"I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and
even when Joe forgets to bathe all week long. But when I get in the tunnels and
I've got those four other guys crowded around me in the car, I get anxious and
dizzy and feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had
identified the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something very common in
these parts."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel
Syndrome."
Complaints
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit.
"Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains,
headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps,
earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you
have so many things. What don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
Contagious
A man returned from vacation feeling very ill. He went to
see his doctor, and the doctor has him immediately rushed to the hospital for a
range of tests. The man woke up after the tests in a private room at the
hospital, and the phone by his bedside was ringing. "This is your
doctor," said the voice on the other end. "We've reviewed the results
of your tests and we've found you have a very nasty virus, which is extremely
contagious."
"Oh my gosh! What are you going to do, doctor?"
"We're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes
and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?"
"No, but it's the only food we can slide under the
door."
Cured
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of
the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst
out screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was,
and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four
grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his
clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
Running The Doctor's Office
A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work
and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow
Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."
"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and
asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"
Buddy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him
MAALOX, sir." says Buddy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the
third one?" asks the Doctor.
"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and
suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses
herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down
on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years
"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?"
I put drops in her eyes!!
Dental Forms
At the dentist's office for oral surgery, I was handed a
couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the
receptionist, "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off,
I can't sue you?"
"No, that's the next sheet. This one says you still
have to pay us."
Dentist Bill
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
"I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you
normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you
yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
"I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you
normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you
yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."
Dentist and Patient
Dentist - "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in
five minutes."
Patient - "How much will this cost?"
Dentist - "It`ll be $100."
Patient - "That much for just five minutes work?"
Dentist - "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very
slowly."
Dextrocardia
I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While
the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have dextrocardia.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest
rather than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your machine
to accommodate that."
As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell
me, have you had that for long?"
Doctor's Advice
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment.
Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention?
What's your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I
gave you no such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
Doctor's Fee - Funny doctor's jokes
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a
restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and
saved the man's life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk
again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his
services.
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half
of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?
Doctor's Order
A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest
Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind
of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He
said I should drink Less."
Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean
"This should be taken care of right away."
- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so
easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Well, what do we have here...?"
- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before
spending anymore time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the
week."
- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of
time.
- or-
- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office
visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad
news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can
be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
- He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea
pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a
call."
- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
- I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
- Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are
we...?"
- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe
this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab
can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around."
- That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something
about this.
"If the symptoms persist, call for an
appointment."
- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off
next week.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)