Doctor Interview

During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"

"Yes," was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"

Doctor-Patient

On a busy Medical/Surgical floor, the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."

The doctor then began listing orders: "You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between. Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not be able to play golf well."

The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live."

Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."

Doctor's Strike

Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!

Doctor Visit

A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.

"Did you drink warm water an hour before breakfast each day?"

"No," replied the man, "All I could do was about 15 minutes!"

A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients - Funny

Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians, health care managers and other humanitarians.

Do not suffer from ailments not covered by your health care plan. It is a waste of resources to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Stop the count! A man hasn't been feeling well,

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. 'I'm afraid I have some very bad news, ' the doctor says. 'You're dying, and you don't have much time left. ''Oh, that's terrible!' says the man. 'How long have I got? ''Ten, ' the doctor says sadly. 'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months?  Weeks?  What? ''Nine...''Eight...''Seven...'

Doctor, Doctor, I have memory loss

- Doctor, Doctor, I have memory loss, what can I do?
The doctor answers him:
- Well, pay me in advance!

An old lady goes to the doctor and says:

An old lady goes to the doctor and says:

- Doctor, doctor, I'm so deaf I can not hear myself farting any more!

- Oh! So take a spoon of this medicine morning, noon and night.

"Do you think I will hear better doctor?

- No ! You will not hear better, but you will fart more!

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

>>>In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their

>>>family member lay gravely ill.

>>> 

>>>Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

>>> 

>>>"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the

>>>worried faces.

>>> 

>>>"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain

>>>transplant.

>>> 

>>>It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

>>> 

>>>Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the

>>>brain yourselves."

>>> 

>>>! The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great

>>>length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

>>> 

>>>The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a

>>>female brain."

>>> 

>>>The moment turned awkward Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding

>>>eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

>>> 

>>>A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone

>>>wanted to ask,

>>> 

>>>"Why is the male brain so much more?"

>>> 

>>>The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire

>>>group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the

         >>>price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he

A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he
 approached his assistant "George'', I am going hunting tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care 
of all me patients".

 "Yes, sir!" answers George.

 The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,George,
 How was your day?"

 George told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
 headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

 "Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

 "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says
George.

 "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the
 doctor.

 "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
 Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything  including her
 bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and
 shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

 "Tunderin' lard Jesus Geore, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

 "I put drops in her eyes."

The best jokes about doctors, the best jokes, JOKES about doctors , the best of nurses jokes!

The best jokes about doctors, the best jokes, JOKES about doctors , the best of nurses jokes!


In a clinic, a doctor makes his tour of the rooms, when he comes across a guy masturbating violently. Shock, he calls a nurse and asks what's going on. The nurse answers him:
- This gentleman suffers from a rare disease, which causes an overproduction of sperm in the testicles. If this man does not masturbate every two hours, his testicles can explode and he can die in excruciating pain ... The doctor is surprised, but continues his tour and two rooms further, here is a nurse sucking a patient as if his life depended on it! He recalls the nurse and asks him:
- And that what is it ?
- The same thing, but he has an excellent mutual ...


It is not going well at all
- Doctor, that's not good at all. When I press my heart, it hurts me. When I feel my liver, the pain is intense, and when I touch my belly, it hurts me too. Do you have an idea of ​​what I have?
- Yes, sir, the broken finger.


Alphonse, 75, goes to see his doctor for a sperm analysis.
His doctor gives him a small bottle and tells him to come back the next day for analysis.
The next day, the man gives him the bottle; Empty and clean. The doctor asks him why.
- Hey! Well, here, doctor. I tried with the right hand, without success. With the left hand, nothing. So, I asked my wife to help me. She tried with the right hand then the left. Always nothing. Then she tried with the mouth, with her teeth, without her teeth. Still without success. So, we asked the young neighbor who tried with the right hand, the left, with her mouth, with her teeth, without her teeth ...
The doctor, shocked, interrupts him:
- You even ask the help of the neighbor? ...
- Hey! yes, doctor. You see, we tried everything and we still could not open this fucking bottle!


At the hospital, a beautiful young woman waiting in the corridor on her stretcher before being taken to the operating room for a small surgery. She worries a little anyway, especially since the clock is ticking. A guy in a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet that covers it and examines his naked body. He folds the sheet, moves away to other white coats and discusses.
A second in a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet and examines it. Then he leaves again.
When the third white blouse approaches, raises the sheet, and scrutinizes it, the young woman becomes impatient: "It is all beautiful these auscultations, but when will you operate?"
The man in the white coat shrugs: "I have no idea, we painted the hallway. "

It is the story of three doctors of different nationalities who meet at a congress and discuss;

It is the story of three doctors of different nationalities who meet at a congress and discuss; a German, an English and an American
The first German says:
- At home in Germany medicine is so developed that we managed to graft a healthy kidney on a sick person and two weeks later she was looking for work.
The second English says:
- That's nothing at all, we took a lung from a healthy person and grafted it to a sick person and at the end of a week they were both looking for work
The last American l says:
- Well at home someone went to get an asshole in Hollywood brought him to the White House and six months later half of the country was looking for work.

A man who seems to be literally exhausted is going to see his doctor.

A man who seems to be literally exhausted is going to see his doctor.
- Doctor, it can not last anymore. They will kill me ...
- Ha good ??? But who wants your death?
- It's the dogs of the neighborhood who roost every night around my house and they bark until dawn. I can not sleep anymore ...
- Do not worry. I have what you need. This is a new sleeping pill that works very well.
- Great !!! I want to try anything as long as I can sleep at last ..
A few weeks later, the man is back at his doctor, and he looks even more tired than the first time.
- Doctor, what you proposed to me 15 days ago, it does not work. I am still much more tired than before ...
The doctor, incredulous, shakes his head from left to right:
- I do not understand how it is possible ... But it is the sleeping pill the strongest of the market ...
- Maybe ... But when I get up at night to run after the dogs, well it's not easy to catch one and make him swallow these pesky tablets, you know ...

He's a guy who's not doing well at all. He goes to the hospital.

He's a guy who's not doing well at all. He goes to the hospital.
After a lot of tests, the doctor tells him:
- I have bad news for you ... You have syphilis, leprosy and AIDS.
The guy is collapsed:
"Oh my God, and what can you do?"
- Not much unfortunately. You will have to stay in the hospital and you will be prescribed a diet of pancakes and pizzas.
- And you think all this, will save me?
And the doctor answers:
- I do not know, but in any case they are food that can easily slip under the door.

A woman goes to see her doctor. She complains of pain in her knees

A woman goes to see her doctor. She complains of pain in her knees. After doing all the tests possible and imaginable the doctor is about to admit his incompetence but something is working ...
- Tell me, are you sure you've told me everything?
- Well, my husband and I make love every night on all fours on the floor! "She said a little shamefully.
"That must be it," said the doctor.
- There are a lot of other positions to make love!
- Not if you watch TV at the same time ...

An 86 year old gentleman in a doctor's office. The receptionist asks him:

An 86 year old gentleman in a doctor's office. The receptionist asks him:
- Hello sir, why do you want to see a doctor today?
- There is something wrong with my penis.
The secretary feels bad and interrupts the gentleman.
- You should not go into a doctor's office crowded with people saying things like that!
- Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you!
- You have probably caused the embargo in the waiting room filled with patients. You should have said that you had a problem with your ear or something else and then discuss your real problem privately with the doctor!
- Yes?
- There is something wrong with my ear.
- Perfect, and what's wrong with your ear sir?
- I'm not able to pee with it anymore!

It is a good lady tired of the little interest that carries her husband since its retirement

It is a good lady tired of the little interest that carries her husband since its retirement for 10 months, decides to go to seek his doctor's advice and, having well approached the subject the doctor prescribed a pill miracle for the libido and asks her client to keep him informed of the sequence of events. Namely that this pill should be placed in food or in a drink.
Not even three days after the consultation, the lady arrives at the doctor's house to give her a summary of what she had experienced.
- Already! said the doctor, you look like a satisfied wife, tell me how it all went? I think I have found the right remedy.
- Ben, EUH! UH! it was great, he took me on the table, I did not even have time to say phew, he made me turn, he broke all the glasses, tore the tablecloth.
- Oh, but how did you do it?
- Taking the drink I put the pill in his glass of Wisky without him noticing and not even five minutes after Uh! Uh!
- You see there is not only a bad doctor. I am very happy to have been able to put your couple in harmony.
- That's sure Doctor, but I do not know if we will be accepted again in this restaurant!

Jokes about doctors, doctor jokes, joke at the hospital, humor doctor, nurse jokes, medical jokes

 1 - Allergy

Marine goes to the doctor to find out what's happening to her:
- Hello Doctor, at the moment I do not feel very well, do you know what I have?
- Hum .... yes, you are allergic to birch!
- Ah? Well, I have to stop working!
- No, no, madam! I was talking about the tree!

 32- Sperm analysis

Alphonse, 75, goes to see his doctor for a sperm analysis.
His doctor gives him a small bottle and tells him to come back the next day for analysis.
The next day, the man gives him the bottle; Empty and clean. The doctor asks him why.
- Hey! Well, here, doctor. I tried with the right hand, without success. With the left hand, nothing. So, I asked my wife to help me. She tried with the right hand then the left. Always nothing. Then she tried with the mouth, with her teeth, without her teeth. Still without success. So, we asked the young neighbor who tried with the right hand, the left, with her mouth, with her teeth, without her teeth ...
The doctor, shocked, interrupts him:
- You even ask the help of the neighbor? ...
- Hey! yes, doctor. You see, we tried everything and we still could not open this fucking bottle!

 3 - Auscultations

At the hospital, a beautiful young woman waiting in the corridor on her stretcher before being taken to the operating room to undergo a small intervention. She worries a little anyway, especially since the clock is ticking. A guy in a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet that covers it and examines his naked body. He folds the sheet, moves away to other white coats and discusses.
A second in a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet and examines it. Then he leaves again.

When the third white blouse approaches, raises the sheet, and scrutinizes it, the young woman becomes impatient: "It is all beautiful these auscultations, but when will you operate?"

The man in the white coat shrugs: "I have no idea, we painted the hallway."

 4 - Joke at the dentist

Once upon a time there was a woman who came to the dentist with a weird look. Entering her closet, she immediately removed her pants and panties and sat on the chair of the dentist, who looked very surprised.

Without waiting for a moment, he said to the woman: "I think you are mistaken as a specialist madam, you are at the dentist!"

And she answers him: "I know very well, and I know it was you who put the denture of my husband, so go get it!"


5 - it's not going at all

- Doctor, that's not good at all. When I press my heart, it hurts me. When I feel my liver, the pain is intense, and when I touch my belly, it hurts too much. Do you have an idea of ​​what I have?
- Yes, sir, the broken finger.

It's a woman who goes to the doctor and says:

The invisible man

It's a woman who goes to the doctor and says:
- Doctor here, my husband thinks he's invisible!
- Ah! Yes okay and where is he right now?
- But doctor he is in front of you!

At the centre of psychiatry, doctors try to teach the mad to use gestures with the help of exercise

At the centre of psychiatry, doctors try to teach the mad to use gestures with the help of exercise, they must be able to clap hands, the first day nobody gets there.
The day following the same result, a week always happens nothing, a month, two months, three months still nothing, the summer arrives, a fly passes then and arises on the forehead of a patient, another seeing it tries to crush it and you hear a clap! and all of a sudden everybody applauds ...