The best jokes about marriage, man and woman, the best funny story about the husband AND woman
Love before marriage
Why are the priests against love before marriage?
Because it delays the ceremony!
Young groom and a dog
What is the difference between a bridegroom and a dog?
After a year of marriage, the dog is still excited to see you back.
Husband riddle and lawn mowers
What are the commonalities between husbands and lawn mowers?
They are difficult to start, they are smelly, and they do not work most of the time.
Two soldiers training:
-Why are you engaged in the army ...
-Because I'm single and I like war ... And you ...
I am married and I wanted peace!
Jokes to tell are a great way to break the ice and bring some laughter into any situation. From funny and good jokes to clean and short jokes, there's something for everyone. Whether you prefer corny and punny jokes or knock-knock and dad jokes, these one-liner jokes are sure to put a smile on your face. So, get ready to search for the best jokes to tell and add some humor to your day! So, what are you waiting for? Start searching for the perfect joke today!
Showing posts with label MAN JOKES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MAN JOKES. Show all posts
The best funny jokes about Men, short men jokes, Men... in short, the best jokes
-Man, tie and belt
What is the difference between a man, a tie and a belt?
- A tie, it serves the neck;
- A belt, it serves the size;
- A man, it's useless.
-The man on awakening
What is the common point between a man waking and an elastic?
Well it stretches, it stretches, it stretches, and it fart!
-A man is dusting his attic when he falls on an oil lamp. He poles it up and suddenly makes a cloud of smoke appear. In the middle of the cloud, a genie comes out of the lamp, pronouncing the following words:
- I am the genie of the lamp and I fulfill your dearest wish.
The man, surprised, spontaneously expresses his wish:
- I wish to have a sex so long that it can drag on the ground ...
- May your wish be granted!
And POUF! The guy is left with legs of 10 cm!
- Men and the letter Q
Men are like the letter Q: a big zero with a small tail.
What is the difference between a man, a tie and a belt?
- A tie, it serves the neck;
- A belt, it serves the size;
- A man, it's useless.
-The man on awakening
What is the common point between a man waking and an elastic?
Well it stretches, it stretches, it stretches, and it fart!
-A man is dusting his attic when he falls on an oil lamp. He poles it up and suddenly makes a cloud of smoke appear. In the middle of the cloud, a genie comes out of the lamp, pronouncing the following words:
- I am the genie of the lamp and I fulfill your dearest wish.
The man, surprised, spontaneously expresses his wish:
- I wish to have a sex so long that it can drag on the ground ...
- May your wish be granted!
And POUF! The guy is left with legs of 10 cm!
- Men and the letter Q
Men are like the letter Q: a big zero with a small tail.
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman discuss in front of a Guinness in a pub
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman discuss in front of a Guinness in a pub. Everyone is talking about his wife ...
English says looking at his pint:
- I'm afraid my half is cheating on me with a carpenter!
The other two look at him and ask him why he thinks that.
- The other night, when I got home from work, I found a saw and a piece of wood under the bed, so obviously ... answers English.
The Scottish then speaks:
- Oh, it's not better. I think my wife cheats on me with a plumber ... Last night when I got home, I found a pipe and a wrench under the bed!
After trying to console his two friends, the Irishman seems petrified at once and shouts:
- Oh my God! I think my wife is cheating on me with a horse !!!
His two friends are stunned and ask him why he believes this and he answers:
- Because the other night, when I came back, I found a jockey hidden under the bed!
English says looking at his pint:
- I'm afraid my half is cheating on me with a carpenter!
The other two look at him and ask him why he thinks that.
- The other night, when I got home from work, I found a saw and a piece of wood under the bed, so obviously ... answers English.
The Scottish then speaks:
- Oh, it's not better. I think my wife cheats on me with a plumber ... Last night when I got home, I found a pipe and a wrench under the bed!
After trying to console his two friends, the Irishman seems petrified at once and shouts:
- Oh my God! I think my wife is cheating on me with a horse !!!
His two friends are stunned and ask him why he believes this and he answers:
- Because the other night, when I came back, I found a jockey hidden under the bed!
Jokes about nationalities, humor joke about countries
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a bar and every guy prides himself on having the stupidest wife the land has ever worn.
The Scotsman says:
- To tell you how thick my wife is, the other day after I yelled her because she was spending too much, she went to the supermarket and bought for £ 100 worth of meat because she was on sale! And we do not even have a fridge!
The Englishman finds that the wife of the Scots is really stupid, but still argues that his is even more. So he says:
- Just last week, mine came out and bought a new car, and she can not even drive!
The Irishman thinks that the palm goes to his wife:
- No guys, it's really mine the worst. Last summer, she went to Greece.
In her luggage, she took 12 boxes of condoms, and she does not even have a dick!
The Scotsman says:
- To tell you how thick my wife is, the other day after I yelled her because she was spending too much, she went to the supermarket and bought for £ 100 worth of meat because she was on sale! And we do not even have a fridge!
The Englishman finds that the wife of the Scots is really stupid, but still argues that his is even more. So he says:
- Just last week, mine came out and bought a new car, and she can not even drive!
The Irishman thinks that the palm goes to his wife:
- No guys, it's really mine the worst. Last summer, she went to Greece.
In her luggage, she took 12 boxes of condoms, and she does not even have a dick!
A German, a Dutchman and a Belgian are sitting in the cafe. The German proudly announces:
A German, a Dutchman and a Belgian are sitting in the cafe. The German proudly announces:
- My wife goes in 7 seconds from 0 to 100.
"Oh," said the Dutchman, "how?
- I bought him a Porsche.
- Ah it's nothing, my wife goes from 0 to 100 in 5 seconds.
"Oh," said the German, "how is she doing it?
- I gave him a Ferrari.
Then the Belgian:
- My wife goes in 2 seconds from 0 to 100.
- That seems impossible to us, what did you give him?
- A scale !
- My wife goes in 7 seconds from 0 to 100.
"Oh," said the Dutchman, "how?
- I bought him a Porsche.
- Ah it's nothing, my wife goes from 0 to 100 in 5 seconds.
"Oh," said the German, "how is she doing it?
- I gave him a Ferrari.
Then the Belgian:
- My wife goes in 2 seconds from 0 to 100.
- That seems impossible to us, what did you give him?
- A scale !
Humor joke about marriage, husband jokes, wife jokes weddings jokes
1 - difference between a happy marriage and a fairy tale
What is the difference between a happy marriage and a fairy tale?
Fairy tales, it happened at least once.
2 - 50 years of marriage
It is a couple of old married who celebrate their 50 years of marriage ...
The man said to his wife:
- After so much time together, you can confess if you cheated on me ...
His hesitant wife said to him:
- You remember that the loan for the house had been refused and that two days later, the banker rang to say he was accepted ?!
Ben .....
- Ah, you only cheated me once?
- Ben no ... The time you almost lost your job ... the week after, your boss told you that he kept you and you were never worried later ... Well ...
- Bah, twice and more for good causes, I forgive you ... That's all?
- Well no. Do you remember when you put yourself on the electoral lists?
- Yes and so ?
- you missed 2500 votes ...
3 - After dating my fiancee
After dating my fiancee for a year, we decided to get married next month. My future mother-in-law is awesome and, moreover, terribly sexy. She took care of all the preparations herself: wedding, church, music, photographer, dinner, flowers, etc. Yesterday she asked me to go to her house to see the list of guests.
When she arrived at her house, she told me that she found me to be a very attractive man, that in a month I would be married and that nothing would be possible after that, and that she would like us to make love like beasts. Then she gets up and sensually heads to the bedroom.
I remained standing, surprised and finally I ran towards the exit door.
Arrived outside, leaning against the hood of my car, her smiling husband explains to me that they had simply wanted to make sure that their dear daughter was going to marry an honest and faithful man, by testing me that way and therefore congratulates me on my reaction.
Conclusion: fortunately I had my condoms in the car ...
4 - At the wedding
It is a man who after five years of life with his girlfriend decides to get married, but he does not know too much the customs about the offering to the priest, at the end of the marriage, he talks about it to the priest who tells him :
- In fact more the bride and pretty more is expensive!
So the young man looks at his girlfriend and puts his hand in his pocket and takes out a 1 euro coin and the priest says:
- Wait! I give you change.
5 - Wedding joke
When I was younger, I hated to go to weddings because my old aunts and grandparents came near me, gave me a big slap on the back, throwing a merry:
- You're next, kid!
- They stopped this stupid joke when I started to do them at funerals!
6 - Confession before marriage
He's going to get married, he's going to confess a few hours before the ceremony.
When the priest has finished, he asks him:
"What penance do you order me, father?
- None, my son you're getting married, it's already enough like that!
7 - Two soldiers training
Two soldiers training:
-Why are you engaged in the army ...
-Because I'm single and I like war ... And you ...
I am married and I wanted peace!
8 - Riddle husbands and lawn mowers
What are the commonalities between husbands and lawn mowers?
They are difficult to start, they are smelly, and they do not work most of the time.
9 - groom and a dog
What is the difference between a bridegroom and a dog?
After a year of marriage, the dog is still excited to see you.
10 - The love before marriage
Why are the priests against love before marriage?
Because it delays the ceremony!
Robert has responded to an ad on the Internet and is about to meet for the first time to a correspondent
Robert has responded to an ad on the Internet and is about to meet for the first time to a correspondent he has never seen.
He confides his apprehension to his friend Bernard:
- What am I doing if it's ugly? We have an appointment at the restaurant and I will have to spend the whole evening with her because I dare not do otherwise ... You would not have a combine?
His friend Bernard answers him:
- Do not worry. You'll just go into the restaurant and go to her. If what you see you like, then no problem for your evening. But if she's really ugly, then you'll just have to drop on the floor and pretend that you're having an asthma attack by shouting:
"Aaaaaauuuggghhh"
That night, Robert enters the restaurant and spots the young woman who wears a distinctive sign for the appointment.
She is superb! He does not return so much she is beautiful. He approaches and is about to talk to him when ... the girl crumbles to the ground and shouts:
"Aaaaaauuuggghhh"
He confides his apprehension to his friend Bernard:
- What am I doing if it's ugly? We have an appointment at the restaurant and I will have to spend the whole evening with her because I dare not do otherwise ... You would not have a combine?
His friend Bernard answers him:
- Do not worry. You'll just go into the restaurant and go to her. If what you see you like, then no problem for your evening. But if she's really ugly, then you'll just have to drop on the floor and pretend that you're having an asthma attack by shouting:
"Aaaaaauuuggghhh"
That night, Robert enters the restaurant and spots the young woman who wears a distinctive sign for the appointment.
She is superb! He does not return so much she is beautiful. He approaches and is about to talk to him when ... the girl crumbles to the ground and shouts:
"Aaaaaauuuggghhh"
Jokes about men, joke man, men, macho, guy, guys, comic humor
1 - toothbrushes
Why do men look like toothbrushes?
Without the handle, they serve strictly nothing.
2 - change a roll of ass paper
How many men does it take to change a roll of crotch?
- To change what?
3 - Like coffee
Men are like coffee. The best are rich, hot and can keep you awake all night.
4 - women's conduct
Why do the majority of women drive badly?
Because the majority of driving instructors are men ...
5 - costume and elegance
Why do men never put on the same costume twice when they want to dress elegantly?
Because fashion has changed between her marriage and her burial.
6 - ties
Why do men wear ties?
To indicate the "playground".
A guy who is really too smart, and he is being harassed at school.
A guy who is really too smart, and he is being harassed at school.
So he decides to go see a doctor and asks him to remove a little bit of brain.
The next day, the guy comes back and asks the doctor to remove the double of the little tip that he had removed the day before.
The third day, the guy comes back, desperate and asks to take away his brain and leave him a tiny bit of nothing at all.
The doctor tells him:
- Okay sir, but tomorrow you may start menstruating!
So he decides to go see a doctor and asks him to remove a little bit of brain.
The next day, the guy comes back and asks the doctor to remove the double of the little tip that he had removed the day before.
The third day, the guy comes back, desperate and asks to take away his brain and leave him a tiny bit of nothing at all.
The doctor tells him:
- Okay sir, but tomorrow you may start menstruating!
To satisfy a woman, a man has to do that:
To satisfy a woman, a man has to do that:
- Caress, praise, pamper, do things with taste, massage, make plans for the future, compliment, endure, do not torment, be clean, be soothing, comforting, hugging, pampering, exciting, calming, protecting, phone, anticipate, smidge, serve, forgive, sacrifice, leave, come back, beg, entertain, charm, stay back, crawl, demonstrate equality, fascinate, wait, crave, cry, wash, shave, trust , flatten, defend, cuddle, dress well, glorify, perfume, merge, sparkle, help, cuddle, be sensitive, admit, progress, reward, embrace, accept, listen, understand, evolve, offer gifts, love dance, beg, beg, adapt, heal, repair, respect, relieve, die for her, kill for her, dream of her, promise, deliver, serve, tease, flirt, confide, commit, desire, murmuring, snuggling, raising, softening, serving, scrubbing, rescuing to chew, to gratify.
To satisfy a man suddenly, you have to do that:
- Suck.
- Caress, praise, pamper, do things with taste, massage, make plans for the future, compliment, endure, do not torment, be clean, be soothing, comforting, hugging, pampering, exciting, calming, protecting, phone, anticipate, smidge, serve, forgive, sacrifice, leave, come back, beg, entertain, charm, stay back, crawl, demonstrate equality, fascinate, wait, crave, cry, wash, shave, trust , flatten, defend, cuddle, dress well, glorify, perfume, merge, sparkle, help, cuddle, be sensitive, admit, progress, reward, embrace, accept, listen, understand, evolve, offer gifts, love dance, beg, beg, adapt, heal, repair, respect, relieve, die for her, kill for her, dream of her, promise, deliver, serve, tease, flirt, confide, commit, desire, murmuring, snuggling, raising, softening, serving, scrubbing, rescuing to chew, to gratify.
To satisfy a man suddenly, you have to do that:
- Suck.
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
Daddy's on the Phone!
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But, honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared, and he
jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't
know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of
the pool, and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . Is this 486-5731?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But, honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it
Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and ran
around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared, and he
jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't
know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of
the pool, and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . Is this 486-5731?"
It is a woman and her husband who went on vacation and are in a cottage.
It is a woman and her husband who went on vacation and are in a cottage.
The woman's skin is marked with traces.
So people whisper:
- Oh! poor woman, her husband must beat her.
The woman hears the murmurings and answers:
- Oh, do you care about your buttocks? For whoever is a beaten man is my husband.
I just grill in the sauna.
The woman's skin is marked with traces.
So people whisper:
- Oh! poor woman, her husband must beat her.
The woman hears the murmurings and answers:
- Oh, do you care about your buttocks? For whoever is a beaten man is my husband.
I just grill in the sauna.
A guy notices a young woman in a bar. He approaches and starts...
A guy notices a young woman in a bar. He approaches and starts the conversation.
After a few minutes, thinking to have impressed the beautiful, he offers to go 'a little further'.
The young woman answers him:
- Oh no. I'm sorry ... it's going to be a little out of date in our day, but I decided to keep myself pure and innocent until I'm sure I've found the man I love!
- Ben say so, it must be rather hard, right?
- Oh, I'm fine ... but my husband, it drives him crazy!
After a few minutes, thinking to have impressed the beautiful, he offers to go 'a little further'.
The young woman answers him:
- Oh no. I'm sorry ... it's going to be a little out of date in our day, but I decided to keep myself pure and innocent until I'm sure I've found the man I love!
- Ben say so, it must be rather hard, right?
- Oh, I'm fine ... but my husband, it drives him crazy!
This is the story of a guy who talks with his friend in a bar. It's getting late
This is the story of a guy who talks with his friend in a bar. It's getting late. The guy says to his friend:
- Oh no! It's late! My wife will yell at me when entering the house!
His friend answers him:
- I have something at that time. I enter the house without making any noise. Then, in the bedroom, under the covers, I make love to her like a beast.
The guy asks him:
- Huh? You're sure ?
After his boyfriend reassured him, the guy goes home. He enters the house, the bedroom and then slips under the covers. This is madness. The woman, both legs in the air, starts to enjoy like a raging. The antics finished, the man, happy with his shot, gets up to go to the bathroom. Opening the door, he falls face to face with his wife. His wife whispered to him:
- Make no noise my mother is sleeping in our bed.
- Oh no! It's late! My wife will yell at me when entering the house!
His friend answers him:
- I have something at that time. I enter the house without making any noise. Then, in the bedroom, under the covers, I make love to her like a beast.
The guy asks him:
- Huh? You're sure ?
After his boyfriend reassured him, the guy goes home. He enters the house, the bedroom and then slips under the covers. This is madness. The woman, both legs in the air, starts to enjoy like a raging. The antics finished, the man, happy with his shot, gets up to go to the bathroom. Opening the door, he falls face to face with his wife. His wife whispered to him:
- Make no noise my mother is sleeping in our bed.
One day, a man complains to his friend:
One day, a man complains to his friend:
- I really hurt my elbow, I should surely go see a doctor.
His friend answers him:
- Do not do that, there is now a computer at the pharmacy that can diagnose anything, faster and cheaper than any doctor. Just give him a urine sample and the computer will tell you what your problem is and how to get rid of it. It costs only 10 Euros.
The guy imagines he has nothing to lose and so goes to the pharmacy with his urine sample. He finds the computer, puts his urine sample on it, puts in the 10 euros and waits. The machine then starts to make all kinds of funny noises, lights flash and after a brief pause, a piece of paper comes out, on which one can read:
"You have an inflammation in your elbow, dip your arm in hot water, avoid hard work, you will get better in 2 weeks."
Later that night, while thinking that this new technology could eventually change the medical world forever, he begins to wonder how we could cheat the machine. He decides to try ..
He mixes tap water, a sample of his dog's excrement, the urine of his wife and that of his daughter. As icing on the cake, he masturbates and mixes everything. He returns to the pharmacy and deposits his sample with the 10 euros.
The computer starts again the carousel of the noises and the indicators, to finally lay this summary:
"Your water is disgusting, buy a water filter.
Your dog has worms, buy him vitamins.
Your daughter is taking drugs cocaine, put it in a rehabilitation center.
Your wife is pregnant with 2 girls and they are not of you, take a good lawyer.
And if you do not stop wanking, your elbow will never heal! "
- I really hurt my elbow, I should surely go see a doctor.
His friend answers him:
- Do not do that, there is now a computer at the pharmacy that can diagnose anything, faster and cheaper than any doctor. Just give him a urine sample and the computer will tell you what your problem is and how to get rid of it. It costs only 10 Euros.
The guy imagines he has nothing to lose and so goes to the pharmacy with his urine sample. He finds the computer, puts his urine sample on it, puts in the 10 euros and waits. The machine then starts to make all kinds of funny noises, lights flash and after a brief pause, a piece of paper comes out, on which one can read:
"You have an inflammation in your elbow, dip your arm in hot water, avoid hard work, you will get better in 2 weeks."
Later that night, while thinking that this new technology could eventually change the medical world forever, he begins to wonder how we could cheat the machine. He decides to try ..
He mixes tap water, a sample of his dog's excrement, the urine of his wife and that of his daughter. As icing on the cake, he masturbates and mixes everything. He returns to the pharmacy and deposits his sample with the 10 euros.
The computer starts again the carousel of the noises and the indicators, to finally lay this summary:
"Your water is disgusting, buy a water filter.
Your dog has worms, buy him vitamins.
Your daughter is taking drugs cocaine, put it in a rehabilitation center.
Your wife is pregnant with 2 girls and they are not of you, take a good lawyer.
And if you do not stop wanking, your elbow will never heal! "
A couple of Parisians decided to go on a weekend at the beach and stay at the same hotel as they did...
A couple of Parisians decided to go on a weekend at the beach and stay at the same hotel as they did 20 years ago during their honeymoon.
But at the last moment, because of a problem at work, the woman can not take her Thursday.
It was therefore decided that the husband would take the plane on Thursday, and his wife the next day.
The man arrives as planned and after renting the hotel room, he realizes that in the room there is a computer with internet connection. He decides to send a mail to his wife. But he is mistaken in writing the address.
Thus in Perpignan, a widow who has just returned from the funeral of her husband who died of a heart attack receives the Email.
The widow consults her mailbox to see if there are any messages from family or friends. Thus, when she reads the first of them, she faints. His son enters the room and finds his mother lying on the floor, unconscious, at the computer's foot.
On the screen, you can read the following message:
'' To my beloved wife, I have arrived safely.
You will certainly be surprised to hear from me now and in this way. Here they have computers and you can send messages to those you like. I just arrived and checked that everything was ready for your arrival, tomorrow Friday.
I can not wait to see you.
I hope your trip will be as good as mine.
P.S .: It is not necessary that you bring a lot of clothes: it is the heat of hell here!
But at the last moment, because of a problem at work, the woman can not take her Thursday.
It was therefore decided that the husband would take the plane on Thursday, and his wife the next day.
The man arrives as planned and after renting the hotel room, he realizes that in the room there is a computer with internet connection. He decides to send a mail to his wife. But he is mistaken in writing the address.
Thus in Perpignan, a widow who has just returned from the funeral of her husband who died of a heart attack receives the Email.
The widow consults her mailbox to see if there are any messages from family or friends. Thus, when she reads the first of them, she faints. His son enters the room and finds his mother lying on the floor, unconscious, at the computer's foot.
On the screen, you can read the following message:
'' To my beloved wife, I have arrived safely.
You will certainly be surprised to hear from me now and in this way. Here they have computers and you can send messages to those you like. I just arrived and checked that everything was ready for your arrival, tomorrow Friday.
I can not wait to see you.
I hope your trip will be as good as mine.
P.S .: It is not necessary that you bring a lot of clothes: it is the heat of hell here!
The man and woman dictionary
Women's dictionary
Yes = No
No = Yes.
Maybe = No
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You're going to be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Of course, go for it = I do not want you ...
Do what you want = You will pay me that.
I'm not angry = Of course I'm angry, you moron!
You listen to me ?? = Too late, you are dead.
You must learn to communicate = Agree with me.
Be romantic, turn off the light = I have cellulite.
You are so ... manly = You need to shave and you sweat.
You love Me ? = I'm going to ask you something dear.
It's your choice = The right choice should be obvious now.
You're caring tonight = Do you think about sex?
I'm ready in a minute = Take off your shoes and find yourself a good match on TV.
You love me a lot ? = I did something today that you will not like
Dictionary Male
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Pretty dress = Nice neckline!
I love you = Let's make love.
I'm bored = Do you want to make love?
What's wrong ? = I guess there is no question of making love.
Would you dance with me ? = I would like to make love with you.
Can I call you one of these days? = I would like to make love with you.
Do you want to go to the movies? = I would like to make love with you.
Can I take you to dinner? = I would like to make love with you.
Would you marry me ? = I want it to be illegal for you to sleep with other guys.
You seem tense, let me give you a massage = I want to make love with you in ten minutes.
Let's talk = I try to impress you by showing you that I am someone deep and I would like to make love with you
I do not think these shoes go with your dress = I'm gay.
Yes = No
No = Yes.
Maybe = No
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You're going to be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Of course, go for it = I do not want you ...
Do what you want = You will pay me that.
I'm not angry = Of course I'm angry, you moron!
You listen to me ?? = Too late, you are dead.
You must learn to communicate = Agree with me.
Be romantic, turn off the light = I have cellulite.
You are so ... manly = You need to shave and you sweat.
You love Me ? = I'm going to ask you something dear.
It's your choice = The right choice should be obvious now.
You're caring tonight = Do you think about sex?
I'm ready in a minute = Take off your shoes and find yourself a good match on TV.
You love me a lot ? = I did something today that you will not like
Dictionary Male
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Pretty dress = Nice neckline!
I love you = Let's make love.
I'm bored = Do you want to make love?
What's wrong ? = I guess there is no question of making love.
Would you dance with me ? = I would like to make love with you.
Can I call you one of these days? = I would like to make love with you.
Do you want to go to the movies? = I would like to make love with you.
Can I take you to dinner? = I would like to make love with you.
Would you marry me ? = I want it to be illegal for you to sleep with other guys.
You seem tense, let me give you a massage = I want to make love with you in ten minutes.
Let's talk = I try to impress you by showing you that I am someone deep and I would like to make love with you
I do not think these shoes go with your dress = I'm gay.
Super Funny : ''THE MAN CODE''
THE MAN CODE:
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party
may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party
may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
Just to funny : Subject: Because I'm A Man
Subject: Because I'm A Man
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, baseball, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, baseball, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
Funny Jokes : Never Argue with a Woman
>Never Argue with a Woman
>
>One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
>to take a nap.
>Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
>
>She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
>
>
>Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
>says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
>
>
>"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
>
>
>"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
>
>
>"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
>
>
>"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
>moment.
>
>I'll have to take you in and write you up."
>
>
>"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
>woman.
>
>
>" But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
>
>
>"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
>start at any moment."
>
>"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
>
>MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
>
>One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
>to take a nap.
>Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
>
>She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
>
>
>Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
>says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
>
>
>"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
>
>
>"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
>
>
>"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
>
>
>"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
>moment.
>
>I'll have to take you in and write you up."
>
>
>"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
>woman.
>
>
>" But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
>
>
>"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
>start at any moment."
>
>"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
>
>MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)