Funny And Hilarious Worst Pickup Lines - The Lamest Pick Up Lines Ever told

The worst pickup lines they could find and came up with this list. We thoroughly recommend reading this and having a little fun laughing at them, but we also recommend NOT using these lines in public. They could get you slapped or thrown out of a bar or club, but they will not help you meet someone new. (Not someone you'd probably be interested in anyway.

• When you date as many prostitutes, strippers, and junkies as I do, it's nice to finally be going out with a classy woman like you!
• That Big Mac and fries cost $5.24. That means when we go to my place later you owe me $5.24 worth of poontang.
• If we're stopped by the cops this is your brother's car and you don't know what's in the trunk!
• There are three words I want to tell you...."You're Too Fat."
• Remember when the stripper comes over I do the tipping.
• Are you one of Charlie’s angels, or one of Satan’s skanks?
• (Man to woman): Wow, you kiss like my sister.
• (Woman to man): Wow, you kiss like my father.
• My wife doesn't mind that I have girlfriends. They usually baby sit the kids when I take her out.
• If you’re into booty, my butt is so big, I could moon Europe!
• Do you want to go for a ride in my car? It’s a hot rod!
• I usually date attractive girls, but I've decided I really should be with someone more like you.
• Wanna free my willy? It’s a whale of a job.
• Let's cut to the chase baby…how much?
• So let me get this straight, yes means yes, and no means tie you up, right?
• Know anywhere to hide a body?
• All the voices in my head agree: You look beautiful.
• Baby, you look so good I'd bang you in front of my wife's attorney.
• I had to kill my (boyfriend/girlfriend) last week. I had to put (him/her) out of my misery.
• No need to buy any popcorn, I snuck this whole bucket of fried chicken skin into the movies so we could eat for free.
• So which movie do you want to see? "Lord of the Rings?" I heard that was good! I'll be watching "Black Hawk Down". I'll meet you in the lobby when it's over.
• I can't believe the car broke down. Could you walk to a service station and call a cab?
• Do you want to get Mexican food? Tom likes Mexican food. Mexican food makes Tom fart. Why are you looking at Tom that way?
• Didn’t I see you on the cover of Cosmo?
• I don’t like to wear nylons. When I fart, it looks like I have epilepsy.
• I got divorced today. I was kind of down before, but it’s OK now; she’s still my sister.
• Let’s get hammered, and then I’ll nail ya!
• Want a tic-tac? (No, thanks.) Please! Take one!
• (To a middle-aged person) At our age, what can we count on in life? Depends, I guess.
• (Holding a quarter) Heads it’s your place; tails it’s mine.
• What’s with the unibrow look?
• Didn’t I see you at Overeaters Anonymous?
• Whatever you’re thinking, I hope it’s X-rated.
• Which one of you gals wants to come home with me and cook dinner?

Funny And hilarious Cheesy Pickup Lines - The Cheesiest Pick Up Lines Ever Told

Cheesy pickup lines are good for more than just getting a laugh. With the right attitude and the right delivery, even the cheesiest pick up line can help you to stand out from the other men hanging out at the bar. And reading through some of the cheese on this page might make you a little more comfortable coming up with your own original lines, too. Enjoy these "cheesy pickup lines".

• Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend
• I’ve never seen anyone as gorgeous as you, and I’ve been in more bars than a gigolo on speed.
• So, what’s up with him (or her)?
• Don’t you work at Hooters?
• I’ve only got three months to live.
• I leave for Iraq (or any war zone) tomorrow.
• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
• Will you help the homeless? Take me home with you.
• Is farting an issue with you?
• Pardon me while I fart.
• I’m recovering from surgery.
• Is that your ass, or does your back have the mumps?
• I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me.
• You look like Pamela Anderson’s sister.
• Let’s go see Talladega Nights and Beer Fest!
• Do you like beer and football? (To a woman)
• Do you like opera? (To a man)
• Man to woman: I’ll bet getting a date with you is more difficult than a five-finger prostate exam.
• (Slur the words a little, but make it funny): Would you like to trip the fight lantastic?
• Is that pizza I smell?
• Are you from New York?
• Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
• I like older women.
• Can you get the drinks? I need bail money.
• So, what are you...about a double D?
• Is there a lion in your jungle?
• I’m a businessman. I work in orifices, got any openings?
• Are you a natural blonde?
• You look like an underwear model.
• I’ll bet there’s a tiger in your tank!
• I’m like the Energizer bunny; I just keep goin’ and goin’ and goin’.
• Put your arms around me, honey. Hold me tight! Let’s cuddle up and cuddle up with all our might!
• If we’re going to have sex later, you probably should be there.
• If buns were a status symbol, you’d be on the A List!
• I’ve got a condom with your name on it!
• Your butt is so good, it’s a shame you have to sit on it.
• Feel like getting’ pissed?
• You’re the cutest zombie I’ve ever seen.
• Heyyyyy…sweet thing.
• Some men go around telling women they have an eight inch penis; I’d never shortchange myself like that!

Funny And Hilarious Dirty Pickup Lines - Off Colour Pick Up Lines, Dirty Pickup Lines To Tell

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Funny And Hilarious Sweet Pickup Lines : Sweet Pickup Lines To Tell

If you want to pick up sweet young women, you need to use sweet pickup lines. This page brings you the sweetest pickup lines we could find. We've culled through all kinds of sweet and sappy doggerel and selected only the most sugary pickup lines on this page for your edification and amusement. Enjoy.

Hi! I’m __(name)__

You look like my favorite cousin!

Don’t leave yet! We haven’t had a chance to talk!

Would you go to church with me on Sunday?

I don’t run around, get drunk, or use drugs. Also, I have a good job and a nice home. People say I’m boring; maybe that’s why I’m alone.

You remind me of someone I knew in high school.

Did I tell you that my great-uncle was a personal friend of Billy Graham?

What do you think the apostle Paul meant when he said, 'Greet everyone with a holy kiss'?

You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa.

Before tonight, I never believed in predestination.

That’s a nice Bible.

I Only Respond to Sweet Pickup LinesI know a church where we could go and talk.

How about a hug, sister?

Do you need help carrying your Bible? It looks heavy.

What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a Bible study?

You want to come over and watch "The Ten Commandments" tonight?

Is it a sin that you stole my heart?

Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?

Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?

You know, they say that you've never really dated until you date a Christian.

Excuse me, but I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.

My friend told me to come and meet you; he said that you are a really nice person. I think you know him. Jesus, yeah, that's his name.

Don’t you attend ____________(name of church)______________?

Do you want to share my umbrella?

I’ll change that tire for you.

I’m a good cook, I like to clean the house, and I can’t tand the thought of spending a Sunday in front of the TV, watching sports. If you would like to come over some weekend, I’d love to cook for you. (Man to woman)

You are the answer to my prayers.

God must have been in a great mood the day he made you!

Sweetness is my weakness.

(In church) May I offer you a light for your candle?

I don’t have a pick-up line; I’m just me. I don’t come here all the time, but I thought you looked like a decent, pretty woman who might want to meet someone nice.

Best Funny And Hilarious Pickup Lines Online : MUST READ

If you're looking for the best pickup lines, the ones that are most likely to work, then this is the right site and you're here at the right time. Please use these lines at your own risk; we're not responsible for how many women you pick up using these. But remember this - the best women respond to the best "lines", not the "bad pickup lines".

To a person carrying a camera: “That’s a big lens!” or “That’s a fantastic camera!”

Oh, I love your dog! Can I pet him?

I just moved here. What’s fun to do?

May I have the last dance?

Is this seat taken?

Walk up to a woman at a restaurant or in a bar): May I join you? If she says yes, drop your BMW or Lexus keys on the table and smile.)

You’re making the other women in here look really bad!

Do you want to dance?

Can I buy you a drink?

Isn’t your email address: beautifullady@mydreams.com?

I Only Respond to the Best Pickup LinesDo you want to go home now?

I couldn't pay attention in school (work) today because I couldn't stop thinking about you.

How much does a Polar Bear weigh? Enough to break the ice. Hi!

Hi, my name is (insert name here).

I know what a hamper, washer, and shower are. And I use them every day.

Aren’t you one of those Desperate Housewives?

Didn’t I see you on the red carpet? (after the Oscars or Emmys)

Do you know how to cook artichokes? (at the supermarket)

Does your kid go to _______(name of elementary school your kid goes to)________?

Do you like to salsa dance?

You look like a nice guy (or lady).

Wait for a good song and say, “Dance? Maybe this will be our song.”

(If you know the guy or gal has kids): I’m taking my kids to the beach on Saturday. Want to come with yours? (or the zoo, park, circus, movies)

Do you play poker?

You look like a fun gal (or guy).

Have you been to _________(name of popular club)__________________.

I’m looking for a long term relationship.

Weren’t you on Survivor?

Once upon a time, a great guy met a beautiful girl in a bar (or wherever you are). Hi.

(On Halloween): You look dead sexy. Uh, you look dead, sexy. Well, you know what I mean!

(At the dog park or on the street): Can I borrow your pooper scooper?

How’s it goin’?

Would you watch my coat for a minute? (Go to the restroom and return. Then, thank the other person and introduce yourself.)

(Approach a woman who is being hit on by a guy and obviously not liking it and say): Hey, Marcie just went to the restroom in tears. Would you check on her? (When she returns, after the other guy has left, start a conversation.)

And I thought we had pretty girls (or good looking men) where I come from!

Funny And Hilarious Corny Pickup Lines We've Heard

Want a laugh? Then check our some of these corny pickup lines. (Some of the corniest pickup lines worked with some of the coolest women, I seem to remember.)

*If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
*You’re so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
*Let’s have a drink; we’ll make beautiful music together.
*Are there any more like you at home?
*Do you come here often?
*I’m a raindrop, and I’m fallin’ for you!
*I must be lost. I thought Paradise was east of here.
*(Gray-haired person says): There’s snow on my roof, but fire in my furnace.
*People call me Isaac Hayes; can I give you the shaft?
*Do you like karaoke? We could make some beautiful music together.
*I’d like to give you CPR!
*Did you ever think we’d meet like this?
*(Singing) Did you ever see a dream walkin’?
*Hubba! Hubba! Hubba!
*Will you be my neighbor?
*Tonight’s the night, right?
*My wife doesn’t understand me.
*Baby, baby, I’m fallin’ in love, fallin’ in love again.
*Do you like to bake? (Yes.) I’d love to feel your hot-cross buns.
*Your name must be Lucky Charms because you’re magically delicious!
*You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
*I’m a math teacher. One plus two equals me and you.
*Don’t let me be the one that got away!
*I've been told I have the cool sexual prowess of a Romulan.
*Hey, baby! What’s happening!
*Your name is Susan? Can I call you Susie? (Yes) Great, what’s your number? (No) Then you call me!

Hilarious And Funny Pickup Lines To Make Her Laugh

Looking for new, funny pickup lines? You've come to the right place. Readers from all over the Internet submit their favorite pickup lines here, and we've categorized them into topics. The funny lines get their own page, and are in fact our most popular category. We think you'll like these - and you might even find some of them effective!

*I have a small winky, but a big bank account.
*I just got out of Leavenworth. Can I steal you a drink? How about a BMW?
*I have a dirty weekend planned. Do you know what I’m going to do? Three loads of laundry.
*I’m going to commit suicide on Saturday. What are you doing Friday?
*The area around this place isn’t too safe. Would you like to go on a drive by? You can have the first shot.
*I tend to be a pretty responsible person. I’ve got a wife and kids…somewhere.
*You’re beautiful. You remind me of Whitney Houston before she met Bobby Brown. You’re not on crack, too, are you?
*I’ve just been diagnosed schizophrenic. Can I buy me a drink?
*Do you know the best way to stop back pain and lose 20 pounds? Get a penis reduction; it worked for me!
*I believe in reincarnation; where have you been all my past lives
*Funny Pickup Lines Make Me Hot!Tomorrow, I’ll have enough money to buy you anything you want and take you wherever you want to go – all you need to do is drive the getaway car.
*Have you ever considered having an interracial relationship? I may be white from the waist up, but I’m black from the waist down.
*Women don’t understand me. They think I have more issues than Life magazine.
*Men don’t understand me. They think I carry around more baggage than The Orient Express.
*Would you believe me if I told you I have a house on the beach? No? How about an apartment with seven roommates in Santa Monica? That’s more realistic – and we have rent control.
*If I’m not home by ten, the voices in my head start yelling at me.
*Would you mind if I stalked you while you’re here? Think of it this way: You’re in a popular singles bar with your number-one fan.
*Don’t mind me; people think that I’m a clown. Just watch out for these large shoes and the big horn in my pocket.
*My favorite singer is Mick Jagger. He can’t get no satisfaction, and neither can I. Want to help me change that?
*Would you like to sit in on my psychology class? I need something for show and tell.
*I quit my job today. I was a Beverly Hills gigolo. With all the demanding clients, overtime, and hazard pay, I figured that twenty years and a few million dollars is enough!
*My website is like MySpace.com. It’s called MyPlace.com; want to see it?
*Did I tell you I’m filthy rich and my mother’s dead?
*Remember me from group therapy? You’re the nymphomaniac, and I’m the lonely guy.
*Hi! I make more money than Bill Gates.
*I haven’t seen my ex-wife for over ten years. Nobody else has either; I’ll never tell.
*Can I buy you a drink? I still have some money left from that bank job I pulled the other day.
*Hi, I’m rich, and my name is ________.
*What’s your name? (Response) Oh, I thought it was Campbell’s, ‘cause you are mmm...mmm good.
*Levi’s should pay you a royalty.
*I used to live life in the fast lane. Now that I’m past 60, my only thrill is getting Meals on Wheels.
*Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you’re hot!
*What do you do for a living? I’m a proctologist; the sign on my office door says ‘park in rear.’
*You must work in a library because you just increased my circulation!
*Madam, I’m Adam.
*I hope I haven’t given you the wrong impression. I’m actually taller and richer than I look.
*Do you work at Subway?
*(In a gay bar): I just saw George Michael in the men’s room. He was asking about you.
*Remember that Beatles’ song, “All You Need Is Love?” Love is great, but, at my age, I’ll settle for regular bowel movements and a good night of TV.
*Want to go halfsies on a baby?
*I’ve been looking for a guy with a pocket protector!
*(As people leave a bar, stand by the door and say): Last chance before the freeway!
*My name is ____________. How do you like me so far?
*I cried at the end of “Boogie Nights.” That poor guy! He really got shortchanged!
*Would you like a gin and platonic or a Scotch and sofa?
*I can’t lie to anyone. I’m so transparent Stevie Wonder can see through me.
*Inheriting 80 million bucks isn’t much when you’ve got a weak hear
*(Speaking with a southern accent): Actually, Ma'am, ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus and ah'm a sittin' on mah wallet.
*Would you like to see my boa constrictor?
*Hi, my friends call me Creepy. Were you a big fan of Jeffrey Dahmer too?
*This isn't a beer belly; it's a fuel tank for the love machine.
*"Urkuk lu Stalga." That's Klingon for "I love you baby."
*You ever been with a webmaster before? It's like nothing you've ever experienced.
*Once you make love to a man with Vulcan ears on, you never go back.
*You, me, here...this couldn't be better if I programmed the holodeck myself.
*You look just like Lois Lane in that skirt and I'm wearing my Superman underoos...it's either fate or the menacing hand of Lex Luthor at work.
*Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star Wars sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his light saber?
*Didn’t I see you in Girls Gone Wild?
*Where does this bus go anyway?
*People keep telling me that I’m overweight. Just because I buy my underwear in the extra-large equator size doesn’t mean I’m overweight – does it?
*I want you almost as much as I want world peace.
*Do you want to go for a ride on my bike? It’s a Schwinn, and I can pedal it really fast!
*People say I remind them of a cute teddy bear; I weigh 500 pounds, I’m really hairy, and I sleep all winter.
*If you come home with me, we can do whatever we want – as long as we don’t wake up my mom.

A woman enters a pharmacy and asks for arsenic ... - What are you planning to do?

A woman enters a pharmacy and asks for arsenic ... - What are you planning to do? asks the pharmacist, suspicious - It's to kill my husband ... - What? You're kidding! I can not sell you anything to commit murder! Very calmly the woman then opens her handbag, and takes out a picture of her husband sleeping with the wife of the pharmacist ...
- Ah, of course, said the latter, if you have a prescription, it's different ...

The woman from a mathematical point of view:

The woman from a mathematical point of view:
This is the addition of trouble.
The subtraction of the purse.
The multiplication of enemies.
And the division of men.

A very old man was lying dying in his bed.

A very old man was lying dying in his bed.
Suddenly, he smelled the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
He took the little strength he had left to get up from the bed.
... standing on the wall, he headed out of the bedroom. And with greater effort he descended the stairs, holding the rail with both hands.
Breathing hard, he stood in the doorway, looking towards the kitchen. If he had not been in agony, he would have thought he had already gone to heaven !!!
... There, in the kitchen, on the tablecloth, there were hundreds of his favorite cookies !!!
Was it the sky?
Was it a heroic act of his devoted wife, desiring that he leave this world as a happy man?
... In a last effort, he crawled to the table. Lifting himself up with trembling hands, he tried to take a biscuit.
Suddenly, he received a spatula blow that his wife gave him.
- Do not touch ! she says. It's for the funeral !!!

A guy goes to the restaurant.

A guy goes to the restaurant.
He asks the hostess:
- Could you serve me some not-so-fresh fish, with not very cooked potatoes, last week's bread, a vinegar-like piquette and in addition to sitting in front of me and mouthing me.
- But why, sir?
- But because that would make me feel like having dinner at home!

What is the difference between a woman and a machine? There are none,

What is the difference between a woman and a machine? There are none, women are like machines, if you do not grease them every morning it squeaks all day!

One day I met a nice gentleman and fell in love. We had to get married, so I stopped eating my favorite food

One day I met a nice gentleman and fell in love. We had to get married, so I stopped eating my favorite food ... baked beans.

A few months later, on my birthday, I broke down on my way home. So I called my husband to tell him I would be late because I had to walk to the house.

Walking, I pass a small restaurant where emits a smell of baked beans to which I can not resist. Given the miles that I have to walk, I tell myself that the "effects" would surely have passed before arriving home. Then I stopped and, without noticing it, I had eaten three large portions of baked beans.

When I arrived, I was surprised to see my husband, who was already excited to see me and exclaims: "Honey, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

So he puts a scarf over my eyes and makes me sit down at the table. As I sit down, the phone rings just as he was going to take off the scarf. He makes me promise not to touch it until he comes back and will answer.

The beans that I had swallowed were still making an impact (thunder) and the pressure was becoming untenable; so my husband was not in the room, so I took advantage of it. I moved my weight on one leg and escaped one. Not only was it noisy, but the smell was like that of a scrap truck passing over a skunk!

I took my napkin to circulate the air around me vigorously. Swinging my weight on the other leg, I evacuated three more. The smell was worse than the cooked cabbage.

Attentive to my husband's conversation in the other room, I continued for a few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. While greetings on the phone signaled the end of my freedom, I waved around with my briefcase, replaced it on my lap and crossed my hands, relieved and proud of me.

My face reflected innocence on my husband's return who apologized for being so long. He asked me if I had cheated and looked around him; I assured him that no.

It was then that he took off the scarf and twelve guests seated around the table shouted in chorus:

" Happy Birthday ! "

A woman of a certain age goes to a painter to get a portrait:

A woman of a certain age goes to a painter to get a portrait:

- And please, can you add a pair of sumptuous diamond and ruby earrings, as well as a beautiful diamond, ruby and sapphire necklace, a huge ruby bracelet and several rare stone rings.

- But you do not have these jewels.

- No, but if I die before my husband, he will remarry and I laugh that his new wife will put the house upside down to get their hands on these jewels!

It is a blonde who goes to the cinema and who buys a ticket, 5 minutes later

It is a blonde who goes to the cinema and who buys a ticket, 5 minutes later, she returns to the cashier and asks for a ticket. 5 minutes later she comes back to ask for a ticket.
-But I have already sold you 2! exclaimed the cashier.
-I know but every time I enter the room, there is a guy who tears up my ticket.

One day, a man finds a lamp on the side of the road. He picks it up and rubs it vigorously and a genie appears.

One day, a man finds a lamp on the side of the road. He picks it up and rubs it vigorously and a genie appears.
"I will grant you your dearest desire," said the genie.
The man thought for a moment and then replied:
"I want a spectacular job, a job no man has ever done or even tried to do."
"It's granted," said the genius, "you're a housewife."

Women are often a popular subject for jokes. The jokes of women are usually described as sexist,

Women are often a popular subject for jokes. The jokes of women are usually described as sexist, we present the following jokes that in order to make you laugh and smile. We have a unique selection, aimed at bringing together the best jokes of women.

-Recent laboratory studies have shown that alcohol contains significant amounts of female hormones. Indeed, after a few beers, we start talking bullshit, we drive badly and we have to sit down to urinate.

Thierry and a woman meet in a bar.

Thierry and a woman meet in a bar.

They discuss a little bit and then as it happens in life, they decide to go to the woman's house.

After a few drinks, Thierry removes his shirt and washes his hands.

Then he takes off the pants and again he washes his hands.

The woman who watched all this ritual told her:

"I bet you're a dentist."

He, very surprised, answers:

"Yes ... but how did you guess?"

"It's simple," she replies, "you're just washing your hands."

After a while, they start making love and when they have

finished, she says:

"You must be a damn good dentist."

He, radiating after such a compliment to his ego, answers:

"Of course I'm an excellent dentist, how did you know that?"

She, with an imperturbable face, "I did not feel anything!"

The man gets rich to be able to get married, while the woman gets

The man gets rich to be able to get married, while the woman gets married to be able to get rich.

Then the man divorces to save what he can, while the woman divorces to cash her investment.

A husband comes home and finds his wife in

A husband comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man:
"I do not understand," he screams. What are you doing, but what are you doing! ...
His wife turns to her lover and says:
- You see, I told you he was stupid.