A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

CREATION

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

 Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, 

you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to 

go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's 

gone.

 The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

 St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

 "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just 

doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. 

Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to 

her and says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was 

laid by 1,400 men  in 6 months."

*****

         If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!  

      

The best jokes about religion, humor joke religion priest, priest, christian, jews, jehovah

The best jokes about religion, humor joke religion priest, priest, christian, jews, jehovah

-Accident
A rabbi and a priest collide in a car accident. Both cars are completely demolished but, curiously, neither of the two men is hurt.
After everyone has gotten out of his car, the rabbi sees the little silver cross on the back of the priest's jacket and tells him:
- Ah, you are a priest. I am a rabbi. Look at our cars. There is nothing left, but we are not hurt. It must be a sign of the Almighty. God had to want us to meet, become friends and live in peace for the rest of our lives.
- I absolutely agree with you. It must be a sign of God.
The rabbi continues:
- Look. It's still a miracle. My car is in pieces, but this excellent bottle of Israel wine is intact. God certainly wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good luck.
He opens the bottle and hands it to the priest. The priest agrees and drinks some big sips (emotion, heat), then returns the bottle to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, refills it and returns it to the priest.
The priest asks:
- You do not drink?
The rabbi answers:
- No ... I think I'll wait for the police.


-After a disaster
After a disaster, a hundred couples are found in the sky in front of St-Pierre. He tells them:
- Please, please make three lines. A line for women, a line for men who have always been led by the tip of their noses by their wives, and a line for men who have imposed their will on their wives.
On this, 3 lines are formed. Only one gentleman finds himself in the line of men who have imposed their will on their wives. St-Pierre approaches this gentleman and asks:
"Sir, I have not seen anyone in this line for years, are you sure you are in the right line?
- I do not know, it's my wife who told me to put me here!


-At last judgment
In the last judgment, 10 women appear before St Peter and GOD.
St. Peter asks these holy ladies to take a step forward, if at least once in their life they have deceived their dear and tender husband.
Bravo for the great frankness of these brave ladies; to know that out of 10, NINE take a step forward?
AND, JESUS ​​turns to St PIERRE asking him:
- St Pierre, what do we do with the deaf?

-In Paradise
A woman dies and arrives in paradise. She finds herself in front of Saint Peter and asks him:
- Can you tell me where I can find my husband. He died three years ago and is called Roger

St. Peter answers him:
- You know my little lady, Roger, there are many here. You would not have anything else for me to find?

The woman thinks then exclaims:
- If I found! Before his death, we had agreed that whenever I deceived him with another man, he would turn to his grave.

St. Peter answers him:
- Well you see that we get there "He then takes his intercom and announces:" We ask Roger, Roger the top! "

Jesus chose Marseille to return to Earth.

Jesus chose Marseille to return to Earth.
In order to find the world and make himself known, he enters a bistro:
- Hi guys, I'm Jesus, I'm down on Earth ...
- People, I do not think so.
- Yes, Yes, I am Jesus.
- Prove it !
A disabled person passed by in his wheelchair, Jesus puts his hand on his shoulder and the paralytic gets up and walks.
A blind man quietly drank his pastis, Jesus puts his hand on his eyes and the blind finds a vision 20/20.
Jesus approaches a third and the other shouts:
- Do not touch me, DO NOT TOUCH ME! ! !
- But why, I do not want you any harm, only heal you.
- Do not touch me, I am a civil servant and only 15 days ago I am on sick leave.

Adam is in the garden of Eden alone ... God sees that he is bored and then proposes to him

Adam is in the garden of Eden alone ... God sees that he is bored and then proposes to him:
- "Adam, to no longer be alone, I will create for you the perfect companion: THE WOMAN".
Adam looks intrigued and asks him:
- "Ok, as you want but how are you doing it?"
God answers him:
- "It's simple, you have to give me an arm, a leg, a lung, half of your teeth, an eye, an ear, and a ball"
And there Adam frowns and answers:
- "Houla! It's expensive to pay for all that! What can you do for a small rib?" .

A guy wakes up in hell and shoots his mouth a little. Satan passes by and challenges him:

A guy wakes up in hell and shoots his mouth a little. Satan passes by and challenges him:
Satan: "Hey, why are you mouthing?"
The guy: "Well, firstly I am DEAD and secondly I am in hell is not enough to rejoice"
Satan: "Well, you know, it's not bad here down there ... you smoke?
The guy: "What a question, of course!"
Satan: "So you will love Mondays because all day long we smoke cigars, cigarettes, pipes ... without having to worry about cancer ... we are already dead!
The guy: "Oh yeah, not bad ...
Satan: "Do you drink?"
The guy: "Of course ...
Satan: "So you'll love Tuesdays because all day we're drinking booze, gout, beer ... then we vomit and we continue
drink without worrying about cirrhosis ... we're already dead! "
The guy: "Ah, not bad the beginning of the week ..."
Satan: "Are you eating?"
The guy: "Like a pig"
Satan: "So you're going to feast on Wednesdays because all day long you're filling up on fat, desserts, meats ... without worrying about cholesterol ... we do not care, we're already dead!
The guy: "Aaah, better and better ..."
Satan: "Are you drugs?"
The guy: "Regularly ..."
Satan: "Then Thursdays is for you, we have everything here grass, powder, syringes ... we prick without worrying about an overdose ... we are already dead!"
The guy: "Yeah, great place, I did not think it was so cool in hell ..."
Satan: "Are you gay?"
The guy: "No ..."
Satan: "Ouuuuuu, then you will not like Fridays ..."

A Tibetan monk walks on an icy mountain road and hears a faint chill

A Tibetan monk walks on an icy mountain road and hears a faint chill.
He looks around and sees at the foot of a hedge, a tiny sparrow half dead with cold. He takes it and warms it in his hands.
"What to do," he asks, "if I keep him with me, he'll dirty my dress, and at the convent the cat will eat it, and if I leave him here, he'll die of cold." Suddenly an idea comes to him: to protect him from the frost, he places the chick in a steaming dung of sacred cow, and pursues his way the soul in peace.
The chick warms up and begins to sing the joy of being alive. A fox that passes by, hears cow dung sing. Intrigued he approaches, discovers our sparrow and crunches it.

Three morals to this story:

1) The one who puts you in the shit does not want you necessarily evil.
2) He who comes out of it does not necessarily want you good.
3) When you're in shit, shut your mouth!

A priest and a nun are in a snowstorm. After a while, they find a small cabin

A priest and a nun are in a snowstorm. After a while, they find a small cabin. Exhausted, they prepare to sleep. There is a stack of blankets and a duvet on the floor, but only a bed. Gentleman, the priest says:
- My sister, you will sleep in the bed, and I will sleep on the ground, in the down.
When he had just closed his down, and was falling asleep, the nun said:
- Father, I'm cold.
He opens the closure of his sleeping bag, gets up and takes a blanket and puts it on her. Again, he settles in the down, closes it, and lets himself sink into sleep, when the nun still says:
- Father, I'm always very cold.
He gets up again, puts another blanket over her and goes back to bed. Just as he closes his eyes, she says:
- Father, I was so cold.
This time, he stays in bed and says:
- Sister, I have an idea: we are here in the middle of nowhere, and no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married.
Finally answered, the nun answers:
- Yes, it's okay.
And the priest shouts:
- THEN YOU TAKES YOUR ASS AND YOU TAKE YOURSELF YOUR OWN FUCKING COVER,

One day a lumberjack was busy cutting a branch that rose above the river

One day a lumberjack was busy cutting a branch that rose above the river. Suddenly the ax fell into the river. The man was crying so bitterly that God appeared to him and asked him the reason for his despair. The woodcutter then explained that his ax had fallen into the river. To his great surprise, he saw God dive into the river and bring up a golden ax in his hand:
- Is this your ax? He asked him.
The woodcutter replied:
- No.
God immediately returned to the water and came back this time with a silver ax:
"Is that your ax?" He asked again.
The woodcutter again tells him: "No".
At the third attempt, God returned with an iron ax, and asked him again:
- Is this your ax?
"Yes," answered the woodcutter this time. God, touched by the honesty of the man, gave him the three axes. The woodcutter returned home happy. A few days later, the woodcutter was walking along the river with his wife. Suddenly it fell into the water. As the man began to cry, God appeared to him again and asked him the reason for his sorrow.
"My wife fell into the river," the man replied, sobbing.
So God dipped into the river and reappeared with Jennifer Lopez in his arms:
"Is this your wife?" He asked him.
- Yes! shouted the man. God, furious, castigated the man:
- Do you take the risk of lying to me? I should damn you!
The woodcutter implored him:
- Please, God, forgive me! How should I have answered? If I had said, no to Jennifer Lopez, next time you would be back with Catherine Zeta-Jones. If, again, I said no, you would have come back with my wife and I would have said yes. At that moment, you would have given them all three. But I am poor and not at all able to feed three women. Only for that reason did I say Yes the first time.
The moral of this story ? Finally, men only lie for reasons perfectly honest and completely understandable!

THE SCHOOL RESULTS OF JESUS.

THE SCHOOL RESULTS OF JESUS.
The Little Jesus returns from school with his quarterly newsletter and Mary examines it:
- Math: 3/20. Multiply rolls and fish.
- Chemistry: 5/20. Change the water into wine to amuse his little friends.
- Sport: 4/20. Walk on the water during swimming events.
Mary very angry, look at Jesus and said to him:
- Well, my boy, your Easter holiday, you can put a cross on it!

MUST READ AND SHARE - The ten commandments

The ten commandments

1 - Screw to rest.
2 - Love your bed, it's your temple.
3 - If someone comes to see you to rest, help him.
4 - Rest in the day to sleep at night.
5 - The work is sacred, do not touch it.
6 - Never do tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
7 - Work as little as possible. What needs to be done, let others do it.
8 - Of calm, nobody died while resting, but you can hurt yourself while working ...
9 - When you feel the desire to work, sit down and wait for it to pass.
10 - Do not forget, work is health. So leave it to the sick.

An engineer in hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Devil up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Devil replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, lets see what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake “he should never have gone down there, send him up here.” Devil says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Devil laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right and just where are you going to get a lawyer, when all of them are here”.