Off-Beat Funny Tweet

I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.

If you don't stack the plates so the patterns on them align, then how do you make the tormenting, screaming demons in your head go away?

To Do: Paint house door with lamb's blood so the Easter bat won't fly in and eat the Jesus eggs.

He's snoring so loud I can barely hear myself plotting his death.
I'm just a regular guy, putting on my Capri pants 3/4 leg at a time.

"I don't even own a TV" no longer impresses me. Talk to me when you've transcended the toilet.

Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirty pirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.

How much money would it take to buy the song Fireflies and lock it up, never to be heard again? Because that's how much I want.

How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?

Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger

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