1.can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?
5. A good friend will come and bail you out of
jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you
saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to
wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any
loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!
7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping."
Now I just "chunky dunk."
8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not
be able to tell the difference.
9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our
life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start
all over?
10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in
school, but they can in prison?
11. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain
cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when
the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal
building?
13. Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this,
thank a teacher......and since it's in English, thank
a soldier."